Why men don’t tell you you’re pretty
Some men tell you they think you are attractive on the first or other early dates. Some will never tell you.
For two months I dated a man who never said he thought I was attractive. In frustration at his aloofness, one day I said to him, “I don’t even know if you find me attractive.” He said, “I’m pursuing you, aren’t I?” Since I didn’t consider this wealthy man’s once-a-week phone calls and occasional casual, home cooked meals much of a pursuit, I retorted, “Are you?” In other words, he didn’t feel he needed to tell me he was attracted to me or thought I was pretty or sexy. His actions — minimal as they were — should speak for themselves. So I guess he found me minimally attractive. Or he never learned to express himself to a woman in a way that would make her feel good.
Upon sitting down for dinner with another man for a first encounter, he looked at me, paused, and said, “You’re beautiful.” I smiled and said, “Thank you.” That was the last time I heard it for several months. When he uttered it again, I said, “Thank you. That feels good to hear.” He said, “I don’t tell beautiful women they are beautiful.” When I asked, “Why not?” he said, “Beautiful women know they are beautiful and they hear it all the time. It doesn’t mean anything to them because so many people tell them. Average-looking women know they aren’t beautiful, so if you tell them they are, they know you are lying. And women think that someone wants something from them if you compliment their looks. So I find it best to not tell women they are beautiful, pretty or sexy.”
Can you imagine? Yes, I know you can, but I’m guessing you’re as incredulous as I am about these attitudes.
So what about those of us who aren’t classically beautiful? Using the last guy’s logic, since he finds you beautiful, you must hear this all the time and have grown weary of hearing it. But if you have the kind of attractiveness that some find pretty and others find average, I bet you don’t feel you hear “You’re very pretty” too many times.
I think some men hold back telling a woman she is beautiful (or pretty or sexy) because they don’t want to come across as fawning, smarmy, unctuous or gushy. He doesn’t want a woman to think he has fallen for her based only on her looks, so then can be led around by his nose. When some women know a man is ga-ga for her, they use it to manipulate him. It’s happened for eons.
And of course, men can use these compliments as a “line” to get closer to you. As I discussed in “He had me from ‘You’re gorgeous!’” I was enamored with this guy from the get-go, but his salutation was only part of the enticing package. But alas, his thinking (or at least saying) I was gorgeous was not enough to keep him around after three dates. He went poof.
Intellectually we know that it only matters that we think we are attractive, and what others think isn’t our concern. But deep down we also like to know that the person we are dating finds us attractive and is able to express that genuinely. Yes, it can be overdone so that you think the man only wants to be with you because of your looks. But if he tells you sincerely and regularly, somehow it makes him more attractive too! And, of course, the more beautiful a person is on the inside, as shown through his thoughtfulness, kindness, caring, respect and attention toward you and others, his outer looks become more appealing. (See “Yummy is as yummy does.”)
How do you feel when a man tells you sincerely he thinks you’re attractive (beautiful, pretty, sexy)? And what have you done when a man you’ve gone out with for more than a month is stingy in this area?
Technorati Tags: dating Internet, dating online, senior dating, bbw dating, mature dating, dating over 50, dating over 40, online dating advice, dating after 40, dating after 50, over 40 dating,40+ dating, dating after forty
Got a topic on dating after 40 you want Dating Goddess to address? Send your issue to Goddess@DatingGoddess.com.
March 4, 2007 at 7:01 am
Men tell me quite consistently that I am beautiful and sexy but I don’t put much credence into their words. Some are very sincere when they say that I am more beautiful than my picture, but, I think most use the words as a line. To me it is just words. If a man really wants to compliment me and show that he finds me interesting and attractive than give me some actions. To me, a man who follows through on his promises, is willing to help when I need an extra set of hands, or will listen to me when I want to vent is more attractive (and gets more attention) to me than the dashing executive who whispers sweet nothings into my ear.
March 4, 2007 at 7:08 am
This was a very interesting article for me to read. I grew up with my older sister constantly calling me “dumb, stupid, and ugly.” Because of an eye problem, I believed it and developed very low self-esteem. I did not date because I was too shy. As a result I have been gullible to flattery. I am now finally realizing the difference. I have been told lately be several different men that I am attractive and desirable. I’m not sure how sincere it was now from one of them, but from the others I believe they were sincere and that has helped my confidence level even more. So much so that I finally feel strong enough not to let men take advantage of me. I have a whole new “game face” on and if they go “poof” I am not going to keep asking myself, “what did I do wrong?” In the future, if a man I am dating does not compliment me occasionally, I think I would tell him, “you know, it would be very nice to hear if you find me attractive and desirable once in awhile. It isn’t going to go to my head.”
March 4, 2007 at 10:21 am
You know, a lot depends on how and when it’ said. If it comes off as “a line,” I dismiss it. (But that doesn’t mean if it’s passed off in a charming way by a charming man, I’m not going to smile and thank him.)
Like many women, though, I often find compliments heard to accept. I’m working on it, though.
But I want to ask you all — how often do you compliment your date on something, whether it’s his clothes, smile, eyes, etc. (and, after you’ve been intimate, his well, ya know. A lot of friends have told me they don’t, and I was very surprised. I think for men, that is something they desperately want to hear).
March 5, 2007 at 7:19 am
OK - I am guilty of that. And even on occasion I explain it - whether it matters or does any good or not.
Basically - I do eventually acknowledge someone’s physical attractiveness then state (honestly) the following.
“…Yes you are very attractive, and I often do not say anything about it - though if that faded or if something happened to change that it would not matter. Someone that has my affection and commitment is going to have that whether they are deemed generally attractive or homely or something else. …”
And some women I have dated for a while were not what most considered to be attractive. Though as one bonds with them they naturally become so to me.
I know - it sounds like a bunch of crap - but every woman claims (read the online ads) that they want a man who is honest.
So I do usually acknowledge things like:
“That looks good on you…”
“You look good in that…”
when it actually is.
I find if someone constantly needs reinforcement of being pretty then I usually do not survive the relationship. So the man who said “I’m pursuing you, aren’t I?”, was just a tad insensitive.
When I get that kind of question I usually say that I do find them attractive, which I do, and that I don’t often acknowledge it (as in the statements above), then try to acknowledge it for a while honestly to turn around any valid insecurity. I also acknowledge the values that I find more important - when it is true and we know each other well enough to be believed - “Love the way you think…”, “I learned something new from you”(often), and last one: “Thanks for asking for directions”.
(Last one for humor).
March 5, 2007 at 7:52 am
To all the men out there: WE NEVER TIRE OF HEARING A COMPLIMENT, AND SAYING THAT YOU LIKE THE WAY WE LOOK IS ONE OF THE TOP ONES. Bottom line is, is you are interested, tell us you think we are beautiful.
I will tell you what happens when men are stingy in that area. My exhusband was. Even when I would go the extra mile he would never say anything. At some point I started asking “how do I look?” and he was say “OK” in a monitoned voice. Then we would go to a social event and his friends would say all the things I wanted to hear from him. When I finally confronted him about this, he simply said that he thought I was looking for a compliment and knew I what I wanted to hear so he didn’t. That is one of the reasons he is now living alone and it certainly shows that it is better to error on the side that she may tire of it. (I dought it)
March 5, 2007 at 10:22 am
My ex used to accuse me of “fishing for complements”, I guess I was because then didn’t arrive too often, so I tried to help them along. Now I’m get complements all the time (sincerely meant ones!) and was called modest as well. Who’s right? I know which one I’ll take!
March 10, 2007 at 2:34 am
Hi DG,
Wow, it must be nice to get compliments on your appearance. The only compliments I’ve ever received in my entire life (besides the obligatory family patter) were those I received from an ex boss (the best boss I ever had) on my work performance.
I often fantasize about what it would be like to get compliments on my appearance. I imagine it would be nice. Well, it doesn’t look like I’ll ever find out for myself so I’ll continue to read your blog and enjoy myself vicariously through reading about your achievements.
Best wishes from bookyone
March 22, 2007 at 7:16 pm
wow great blog
April 30, 2007 at 2:33 pm
why are we always thinking in terms of men giving women compliments? for once, i’d die to see it the other way around (i hate to say it but women seem too full of themselves and ONE ANOTHER–yes, they’re really not into us guys unless OTHER WOMEN find us desirable!)
bonhomme
May 1, 2007 at 7:15 am
I dont know i love to tell my wife shes beautiful. Sometimes i feel like she doesnt believe it and that saddens me because to me shes the only person i find attractive. She thinks i want an anorexic hoe, but she is so sexy to me. I love her, I think of waking up to her and falling asleep next to her all the time. I am considered very attractive by most standards, but still, it would feel sooooooooo good just to hear once in a while that she thinks im beautiful. Or that she still fidns me sexy. Or that she misses having sex with me. The only times she really does these things is when shes prompted. I know its not the sociatil norm for girls to tell guys that they are attractive. We are the stuffed in the box as the non feeling non needing pillars, and if you need, well then your weak. But im a person and i have feelings just the same as she does. Idk i guess ive always had a hard time seeing things in temrs of men and women, im a person, shes a person, i miss feeling pretty, especially when i try so hard to fix my hair and clothes for her. She does say its cute when i send her a pic, thats good i guess.
June 13, 2007 at 3:27 pm
Really great Blog! Enjoyed Internet dating back in my 50’s and had a great time! I am now married to the love of my life whom I met over the Internet. My motto while I was Internet dating was, “The Internet Changes Everything.” Women no longer have to sit around or go to bars looking for their next friendship. I loved it!
August 28, 2007 at 12:06 am
[...] manipulate. Interestingly, “No compliments, ever” does reinforce my findings in “Why men don’t tell you you’re pretty.” So since midlife men are employing some of these, clearly these rules have been around for [...]
October 20, 2007 at 9:21 am
to Kat Wilder,
….compliment my you know what…that made me smile just thinking about it.
October 20, 2007 at 9:27 am
….most men don’t know, that,,,, sometimes,,,, compliments make a relationship sizzle. I like to give the high heel compliment. If she is wearing nice shoes, and taking short steps, she gets my wolf call….
November 17, 2007 at 5:45 pm
Ya know….telling a girl she is attractive is a tricky thing sometimes. I honestly think that honesty when complementing is the way to go. I try to find something that is unique and attractive to complement on. The not just the smile, but the way she smiles, sort of thing. But when a woman is pretty sometimes you just gotta tell her. I think most women can tell when a guy is genuine in their complements. BTW loved your speech this weekend.
November 18, 2007 at 2:24 am
to Ralph,
…you are correct there, “complimenting a pretty woman” can be a sensitive issue, only because she, most likely gets compliments all the time….
June 12, 2008 at 4:46 am
A mature relationship will have compliments naturally flowing. In short if you like ANYTHING about the person, male or female, or if they do something/anything you like TELL them or COMPLIMENT them. You can say, “you make me feel so special” or “you make me proud to be with you” or “I like the way you always think of me” or “that was a great meal” or “I like to spend time with you”.
Part of the human condition is that we ALL like validation, and approval and acceptance irregardless of male or female.
The problems begin when one feels the need to take as in sense of entitlement, or one gives “feedback and validation” and support and shows their pleasure with the other but the other half never recriprocates. There are zillions of ways to show our partners our gratitude and approval, or to let them know they are “pleasing” to us, unfortunately some love to get validation/approval but NEVER think to give it back.
Men often have HUGE ego issues, and men that are starved for “acceptance” often never think to give it. It is my experience that women are more prone to “compliment” and men seem stingy with approval and acceptance. But then I can only see this from the perspective of my gender. I like to give and receive compliments, approval and acceptance. I hate it when it isn’t recriprocated. That can be a big clue the one you are dating has power and control issues. They take but don’t give.
June 12, 2008 at 5:03 am
I also wanted to note, that men seem to be “insincere” because they often use false flattery as a “line” to achieve conquest and so women not used to being “overwhelmed” with compliments of that nature fear accepting compliments (like dinner) has a hidden meaning so they want to be “sure” it is genuine or just a “line”.
Women often withhold too much flattery too soon, as men will “read” it as meaning the conquest has been scored. Some of this “false” smoozing is loaded with hidden meaning.
Women often too, date men just to pump up damaged ego as they don’t get it from the man they want it from.
It is a loaded issue, and that is why it is best to compliment something in a sincere way……….by SPECIFICALLY noting what it is they find pleasing.
Men tell women what they want to hear, and then stop after conquest is secured are seen as false, conning, and shallow, so guys make it a point to find something nice to say as even “ugly” people have good qualities. Isn’t it about the person and who they are, not about physical appearence only? I know some really great human male persons who might not make any magazine covers, but then those covers are false and airbrushed………..ditto for women. REAL MEN AND REAL WOMEN should be able to compliment something about the PERSON……….every one should make a habit of finding something PLEASING about all the humans we interact with, something specific and meaningful.
They way a person compliments you can tell you alot about the person. The way a person gives or receives compliments can be “loaded” issues about a persons depth, honesty, and intent.
I think everyone would say they would like more VALIDATION and approval and understanding.
Looks fade, and true love is liking the _____________ of a 19. 25 , 40 or 50 year old person, meaning find something Genuine and REAL about the person you “like” and compliment that. Get off the shallow, and into REAL acceptance of the person, as we all like to be consider unique, exclusive, and noticed for WHO we are. It takes practice and a new way of looking at both sexes to be a good compliment giver.
Every one should practice that, and compliments don’t have to be just about looks, and the ones that aren’t are often appreciated more.
Saying, “you look great in that dress” it usually better recieved, than a simple “you’re pretty”. Saying, ” I love the way you open doors for me” is a lot more genuine than “you’re hot”. If you do end up an item or married EVERYONE has “home” days where they still want acceptance, the acceptance during ‘down, not dressed up and going out time” is REALLY important.
No one stays “eye candy” forever. So accepting with the “heart” not just the eyes is important to both sexes.
June 12, 2008 at 5:16 am
Most people can spot the “turning on the charm” to GET something. It comes across as false, shallow and conning. The man I am now seperated from was only “nice’ and flattering when he wanted something. It became a signal for “look out”, he has something he is trying to get or has done something that is selfish and cruel.
Once he “delivered his zinger” or acted selfishly the shallowness of his compliments was ALWAYS revealed. Fishing expidetions to find the “key” to what compliment worked are never flattering. The old “tell her what she wants to hear” to get something was very ABUSIVE. It became very revealing over time. I could do wonderful and great and caring things………but I ONLY got compliments that were meant to serve HIM. It wasn’t about ME, and who I am at all. He also had a way of giving “backhanded” compliments that left you KNOWING just how shallow he really was, and so into power and control and con.
I guess as a result of this type treatment (and we all have experienced people like this) compliments is a “loaded” issue with me and anyone who has been “conned” with insincerity. When this was “pointed out” to him, he withheld ALL approval and never noted the real of who I am and what I do, he was hypercritical and easily offended if his cons didn’t work.
I think this is why women in particular are starved for SINCERE compliments, and maybe the reason men who are starved for approval (after being with a shallow woman) abound. It wasn’t about the real in the first place but more like the “bunglings of small children looking to con, or excuse”
July 14, 2008 at 12:01 am
The last man I had a (very long) relationship with not only did not give compliments, he seemed to not get a lot of stuff about women. He was over forty, and talked as if he was very experienced, but he didn’t seem to “get it”. He had some sweet ways about him at times, but many times seemed to actually want me to think there was something inadequate about me (which there is not). He seemed to appreciate that I was smart and good at my job, etc., but I only surmised that from the way he spoke with me about it, he didn’t really give me compliments about it or say he was proud of me. The more personal compliments were almost non-existent. From the beginning I just thought he was shy. The very occasional, “You look good,” made my heart flutter because it happened so seldom. I used to say it all the time to him, so maybe I was a good example! I used to call him handsome and sexy too.
I once asked him if he thought I was pretty. That was on a day after I had been insulted by someone else and was still stinging from it. I hadn’t talked to him about it, but basically just wanted a friend’s shoulder to lean on. Yeah, I wanted reassurance and I think anyone who wants that is deserving of it - especially when the man you are dating keeping referring to himself as your friend and you consider him your best or closest friend. Well, after I asked him if he thought I was pretty he huffed at me and just sat there in the car staring straight ahead. (We were in a parked car.) It made me feel very cold and alone. I hated him for doing that.
Another time I asked him if I looked sexy the night before. He had a big lot of nerve and said, “No”. Just flat out. Not angry of anything. He said I looked casual in what I was wearing, but not sexy. I told him off because I was just so stunned and hurt. He said he was talking about the outfit I was wearing and not saying I wasn’t sexy. I didn’t say this, but come on, when you are wearing the same sort of thing that a girl from Hooters wears and he drools over those girls and he says you look casual and not sexy, what at you supposed to think!
He did actually told me I was sexy once. A couple of nights after I gave him great oral sex. Thanks. In fact, I think the man’s idea of complimenting a woman is to tell her he wants to see her naked and, well, putting it nicely give her oral sex. I heard that kind of stuff a lot.
I think some men are just selfishly concerned with how they are doing whether they have power (i.e, compliments mean they have lost it) and they are probably too inexperienced in talking to women to know what a woman needs to hear. Doesn’t matter how many women a man has been with, it he doesn’t get it he will keep making the same mistakes and making a woman feel like less than. In a weird way, as long as the guy is not abusive, a guy like that is to be pitied.
The ideas of the guy in the blog show that his thinking process is mixed up. To me a man that uses that kind of reasoning is inexperienced because he hasn’t learned yet how to make a woman feel like a woman.