Stood up!
Have you ever been stood up for a date? Whether you have already or regrettably, may be in the future, it’s useful to examine your options. Here’s how I explored mine.
A new potential suitor (#77) and I arranged for a dinner first date last night. He called two days ago to set a time. He asked me to choose a restaurant and email him the address. I did so within the hour, along with the restaurant’s phone number and my cell number.
I got dated up and drove to the restaurant, arriving 10 minutes early. I waited. The appointed time came. He didn’t waltz in. I gave him some grace, as he was driving from an hour away, so maybe he got caught in traffic. Another five minutes passed. Ten. I asked the hostess if she thought it rude, as I did, to be 10 minutes late and not call. When she found out where he was driving from, she thought he might have hit traffic. I called his cell phone to see if he was lost or stuck. Voice mail. I left a message.
Another five minutes passed. Then another. I called again. I didn’t leave a message. I vacillated between fuming at his rudeness for not calling, worrying that something had happened which prevented him from calling, to wondering if I got the day wrong, or if he’d even received my email. I gave him a little more slack.
At 30 minutes after the time we set to meet, and 40 minutes after I arrived, I left. I called his cell one last time to see if I could get him, not his voice mail. I didn’t leave a message.
When this happens you have several choices:
- Should you call again? No. I left a message and he can see I called multiple times after that.
- Should you email to ask what happened? No.
- If he calls, how should you react? I’ll be in wonder, curious at what happened. If he is contrite and apologetic and offers a plausible excuse — which needs to include the words “hospital” or “kidnapped” — I’ll consider giving him another chance. But I can’t imagine that his reason would be anything but inexcusable. I will let him know I was inconvenienced.
- If he doesn’t call, oh well. Although he was charming on the phone and had a wonderful accent, deep voice and good sense of humor, he lives over an hour’s drive from me, which is far from optimal. He’s been married 3 times, and is only separated from his last wife, but they’ve filed for divorce. Orange flag (a mix of yellow and red flag.) He has a small child with her, which complicates life.
If he purposefully blew me off, what possibly could go through a man’s mind to make this okay? Narcissism? Selfishness? Lack of compassion, empathy or humanity? If he decided not to meet me, what would prevent him from having the common decency to at least call and give me some feeble excuse, if not say he changed his mind or plans? As much as I want to be in wonder, this one has me flummoxed.
We’ll see how this one plays out. I won’t be waiting by my phone. I have a second date with #76 tomorrow.
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June 27, 2007 at 2:05 am
I’m someone who gets crazy if I’m even five minutes late, so having someone not show up at all would normally push all my buttons.
However, there have been occasions — very few, fortunately — where I completely forgot an appointment or a meeting. Either I never wrote it down, or forgot to look at my schedule, but I was totally embarrassed at having to explain to the other person what I had done.
So when I’ve been on the receiving end, I’ve learned to be more forgiving. Nevertheless, whatever happened, he should be sufficiently apologetic for you to feel okay about setting up another meeting.
June 27, 2007 at 5:50 am
This happened to me twice! The first time, the prospective date had an accident on his way to meet me. The second time, the guy never showed, never called and never responded to my e-mail. I was dumbfounded as to why he ever set it up. Perhaps he is one of those guys who likes to e-mail and then gets his kicks from imagining a women waiting for him. I met him online and since found his profile listed in 2 more cities…perhaps he lives in none of these and just pursues women via e-mail for the kicks. His story was that he had just moved here to take a job hence his cell was in a different area code.
Well, I waited and then hit the bar…met some fun people and even got another date out of it. That didn’t go beyond one date but what the heck…most don’t
June 27, 2007 at 6:16 am
A couple come to mind.
Number 1 was half and hour late. I had left to go home when he called me. His excuse? He fell asleep! Didn’t sound like he was very motivated to meet me. While he was with me at coffee, he was very apologetic, very charming. After, emailed and promised to call me soon. Never heard from him again. I think he likes to collect first dates. Your #77 sounds like one who’s more interested in getting the responses than even meeting someone.
The second was someone who got caught is very bad traffic. I don’t have a cell phone, so he called the coffee house I was at and had them track me down. He got major points for his perseverance. Since traffic would take a long time to get back to normal, we rescheduled for dinner and had a lovely time.
As for the man in your article – that he’s not yet divorced is a huge red flag for me. I simply do not date married men. And yes, separated or “filed for divorce” are still versions of married. One friend puts it this way – you’re either working on your marriage or working on your divorce – you don’t get to date until you are divorced.
June 27, 2007 at 10:18 am
We made tentative plans to meet for coffee, but never confirmed. She thought the date was on, I thought no confirmation meant it wasn’t. So, she went to Starbuck’s, waited for a half hour, then left. Amazingly, she agreed to try again. Now we’re at the two month mark, and having a rockin’ good time!
June 27, 2007 at 1:46 pm
For me, dating is a time to learn about the other person, to just look at his actions and listen to his words and see what kind of person he is. Lots of my friends (and me in the past) make excuses for the things the guy does that should be inexcusable, but the guys like that always prove to be unworthy and the ladies just waste time and energy. I vote we listen and learn and think about what the other person says and does as if we were an outsider or a journalist, someone just making observations and not being emotionally involved. We are so involved with hoping it will be wonderful that we miss the reality of what’s in front of us. A guy who is late and is not dead or unconscious is a write-off. Orange flags? Come on, it’s red or nothing, we can’t make an undesirable person into someone desirable just by wishing and wanting!!!
xo Ellen
http://www.wonderfulonlinewomenLA.com
June 27, 2007 at 2:07 pm
Ellen:
While lack of communication is a deal breaker, I’ve also learned to not make a judgment based on incomplete information. I haven’t heard his side of the story. I may never hear it. If I don’t hear from him by the end of today, I’ll totally write this one off to lack of consideration. But I’m willing to listen if he got in a tremendous car wreck that took him out of pocket for 24 hours. Or something happened to his daughter that made him otherwise focused. Or if he thought it was for a different day. Miscommunication does happen, and I’m not immune to it, so will allow a few more hours of grace.
June 27, 2007 at 5:10 pm
I date exclusively from dating sites..heres how I remedy that..and dont get STOOD UP..
first i never make the first date anything more then a simple cocktail date,
its always lets meet outside a pub in a strip mall near me..I ask him to call before he leaves ( he is usually at least an hour away) and again when he gets there if he doesnt call at the appointed time about an hour before the meeting time..I dont get ready just forget about it..if he does I do get ready..when he calls and says he is waiting out side.. I leave I am only 5 min away..
with all the flakes on the net its the only sensible thing to do..
June 28, 2007 at 9:34 am
I have to concur with many of the others. If he doesn’t show up, doesn’t return voice mail or attempt to contact you to let you know he’s running late, and/or doesn’t apologize within a day or two — write him off.
The older I get the less I put up with other people’s b.s! This guy was inconsiderate at best; a total flake at worst. Eithere way, he is a LOSER! And why waste your precious time with a man like that?
October 3, 2007 at 4:37 pm
I enjoyed reading these stories because it just happen to me. I met this guy online we had two great date i thought things were going good. We planned our third date this past weekend, he was going to drive to see me about a hour out of the city, meet some of my friends and then plan to spend time to ourselfs. He was suppose to call at 6 but know call so I called him at 7 he said he was on his way just a liitle late leave. As I was waiting I went online to past the time and he was online the whole time he never left, I did call once to see whwer he was but got voice mail I never called him back and he never called me I see when he is online but I don’t bother in email him. There is a part of me that can’t belive why someone would do this.
June 15, 2008 at 6:36 pm
This happened to me just last night !! I am not making excuses, but hes a Mexican. Is it that Mexican men have no manners or compassion ? I was told by a few people that they are very macho and this happens a lot with them ?? He asked me out and I agreed. I got a babysitter arranged AND PAID. I waited and waited. I called him after an hour – voicemail. I left a message and he still hasnt called me back to say sorry. I am so hurt and disappointed. He seemed so genuine and kind ! I dont know what to think or do ?!?
December 10, 2008 at 1:29 pm
Happened to me Saturday. We’d been emailing for weeks, then talked on the phone with several great conversations, set up a Monday lunch date which went great. He called within 30 minutes to tell me what anice time he had. That night he called and just practically drooled all over me. We made a lunch date for Friday and also talked about getting together over the weekend (my kids would be with dad). I suggested and packed a picnic and we had a great time again and an awesome goodbye kiss. That night I called him and we ended up having a very personal conversation at the end of which he was all but begging me to come over…he was going to call me after a meeting Saturday afternoon and we had already planned where to meet Saturday night. Got all dressed up and he never called. I called his cell, got Voice Mail, left a message about “I’ve been thinking about our date today, what about you” kind of thing.
So needless to say, no call back that night. By late the next morning sent an email through E/H; no response what so ever.
What it is that makes this seem ok to people? Even to make up a lame excuse is better than just letting someone sit there and wonder. Why can’t these grown men in their 40’s act their age, step up and tell the truth??? And yet I am still halfway telling myself that he’s just such a shy guy, good dad etcetcetc that he’s scared (or, you know, the horrible accident scene happened) and I should give him the chance to make up for it ???!!!??? Why why why????
December 12, 2008 at 10:22 pm
Oh I feel your pain! I went out on a couple dates with a guy who I met online who lives about an hour away. For about 2 weeks after our first date he was regularly texting me, calling me several nights a week…we had many great conversations and I thought we really had a connection. Last week he kept telling me he couldn’t wait to see me this past weekend…even called me twice Friday night to confirm our plans. Saturday morning he texts me saying he didn’t sleep well and can we reschedule for Sunday. He told me he’d call me later. Okay….kind of a lame excuse but I didn’t think too much of it. Sunday rolls around and NOTHING! I sent him a text and left a message on his cell asking him to just be honest with me but a week later still haven’t heard a word from him. Seriously, what is up with this? Just don’t get why someone would seem SO into me and then just vanish off the face of the earth. I’d expect more from a 35 year old man….oh no wait, “man” is not the correct word……coward maybe?
December 27, 2008 at 12:43 am
Getting stood up sucks hardcore. It is nice to hear that I am not alone in this as I have been stood up more than enough times. I wish I could go on a date with some of you people as you sound cool and considerate and we would have some crazy stories to share.
I just wanted to add a note to why some people stand others up. I was listening in to a conversation of others (not my own as I would never stand any one up and haven’t the faintest on what the process is). This guy organised to meet someone, went to the destination and from a distance saw his date. If he didn’t like the way they looked he would leave. If he did he would continue the date and try to get them into bed.
It is unfortunate but the truth is that it is mostly about sex in the dating scene and things like the above happen.
January 14, 2009 at 12:37 pm
Hey, great tip from Mady and it makes sense. Just give the guy a call 30 mins before to see if alls ok. You could ring and say your sorry but your running 10 mins late yourself and see if hes on his way. At the end of the day if he doesnt show, its not so bad finding out then what an unreliable waste of time the guy is rather than later when your about to meet freinds or for a serious function. Anyway good luck to you all in the future
March 25, 2009 at 8:13 pm
I was stood up for the first time about a month ago. I wasnt devastated but it was really weird to be sitting there waiting for someone who doesnt have respect enough for my time to at least tell me he wasnt going. I think I was more surprised by that than the fact that he didnt go. I feel like I’m too old for that crap…honestly, I do. I’ve never stood anyone up in my entire life and if I did change my mind and not want to go out with someone I have always told them I wasnt going. I’ve never just not showed up.
Anyway, I actually did email the guy that stood me up a few weeks later because I was curious as to what happened (wasnt expecting a response to be honest) BUT, I DID get a response and he actually had the nerve to accuse me a standing HIM up?! I was so blown away by this. I was there for 30 minutes waiting and he was not there so, he is either flat out lying or he got there after I left which begs the question – “why didnt he call to tell me he was running late then?!” Something is fishy about his story… I dont care to find out what happened at this point because all I know is, I was there, he was not. End of story..