Good books on dating

These books helped me learn the dating ropes. Click on the title to order.

Attract Love Build Wealth e-book package by Mari Smith.

If you long to be in a deeply fulfilling relationship with your soul mate and you desire an abundance of money, check out the most comprehensive, step-by-step system available for single men and women today! No more lonely single nights for you and no more struggling with your money. Find out exactly how to attract love and create wealth.

Boomer’s Guide to Dating (Again), Laurie A. Helgoe

This is one of the most realistic dating books on the market today. Helgoe discusses dating fears, finding dates, being positive, sex, and what can backfire. It’s an easy, entertaining read.

Date like a Man: What Men Know about Dating and Are Afraid You’ll Find Out, by Myreah Moore, Jodie Gould

This book has the voice of a woman-to-woman chat. The authors talk about having “a pair and a spare” — always dating 3 men at once. Generally, I found the tone fun and the advice sound.

Dating Dynamics for Finding Mr. Right by Marsha Petrie Sue

This audio CD of Marsha Petrie Sue’s dating techniques and strategies are based on her process for finding her second husband 18 years ago. She also includes stories from other singles on how they went about the husband hunt and has updated it a bit to include Internet dating.

The CD covers how to:

* create a personality that attracts without being phony
* overcome first date fear and reduce the butterflies
* leave the baggage at home and why it’s important
* refine the fine art of small talk — anywhere, anytime
* stay interested and interesting in any circumstance
* stay positive and not take situations personally

Listening to this I thought the perfect audience is for women who have not dated in 20 or 30 years. She covers things like how to make conversation and show the man you’re interested. Unless you’ve been a shut in for decades, most women know these basic techniques (make eye contact, smile, ask questions about him). But if you’ve only gone out on a few dates and need some encouragement and some reminders of what to do (use mouthwash) and not do (don’t monopolize the conversation), this CD could be helpful to you. It might also be useful for those who are shy and unsure of how to converse with a stranger.

Dating Without Drama eBook by Paige Parker

She covers typical dating book topics like how to meet men, getting a guy to ask you out, first dating tips, post-date drama, The Calling Game decoded, deciding if he is “boyfriend material,” showing him you’re “girlfriend material,” getting intimate, meeting the friends/family and getting serious.

Wow! I’m worn out! She covers quite a lot in the 115 pages. She has a conversational style as if you are getting the scoop over a cuppa Joe. She says she interviewed lots of guys to understand what’s in their head. She even has a bonus 8-page guide that comes with the purchase called, “The Man-to-English Dictionary.” Yep, I agree with those definitions.

She publishes a free weekly “Dating Dish” which she describes as a dating secrets e-course. You have to register on her site — and therefore get the weekly email — before you can get more info or buy the book. I find the weekly email usually interesting, sometimes helpful, easy to read, and of course, laden with “suggestions” that you buy her book. But hey, that’s why most of us give free content!

So if you want to explore Paige’s advice, sign up in the box. If you think her book would be useful, buy it. You can always unsubscribe to her weekly email if you don’t want to get it anymore.

He’s Just Not That Into You: The No-Excuses Truth to Understanding Guys by Greg Berhandt

Yes, this book has received way too much air time, but it is a must read for all women. We make excuses for guys and keep our emotions tied up with men who have little, if any, interest in us. It helps you let go of men who you shouldn’t be wasting time on.

How Not to Stay Single After 40: The Secret to Finding Passion, Love and Fulfillment — At Last! by Nita Tucker

Tucker tells it like it is — sort of a dating tough love — in chapters like “Clean Up Your Act,” “Tell the Truth,” and “Save Sex: The Eight-Date Rule.” Although I laughed when I read the last title and chapter — is she kidding? Eight dates? I guess that’s realistic for some, just not for any of the guys I’ve been drawn to.

How to Behave: Dating and Sex: A Guide to Modern Manners for the Socially Challenged by Caroline Tiger

This gift-size 222-page book is full of lists. For every topic (”Turning Down an Unwanted Suitor,” “Disarming the Over-Toucher,” “Avoiding Your Date’s Bad Breath”), she lists a handful of tips. Some are common sense (never hit on a married person, turn off your cell phone, ignore emails from obvious spammers). Some are useful. And some are bizarre (how to deal with a gas attack, how to dissuade would-be dance partners who attack from behind, what to do about nose hair).

This is wittily written and a quick read. I read most of it during an hour-long flight. While you’ll find some topics common to dating books, you’ll also find some that are covered by few (Body Hair Grooming Tips, When Your Date Smells, If Your Date is a Noisy Popcorn Eater, If Your Date is a Blogger, and Condom Etiquette). If the vignette chapter topics appeal to you, you’ll find information other authors shy away from.

If the Buddha Dated: Handbook for Finding Love on a Spiritual Path by Charlotte Sophia Kasl.

This book was recommended by several people, as they said the philosophies were similar to what I expose in this blog. They were right! Of course, I enjoyed reading it as Ms. Kasl and I have a similar view of the world. She’s come to her perspective from various doctrines.

The section headings are:

• Preparation for Love
• Awaken Your Desire
• Enter the Sacred Fire
• Keep Loyal to Your Journey
• Going Deeper
• Living in the Heart of the Beloved

Her topics range from the practical (”Using Ads, Dating Services and Singles Clubs,” “Children and Dating”) to the philosophical (”Notice the Flow of Giving and Receiving,” “Be a Spiritual Warrior,” “Finding Love Beneath Illusions”). All in all, I found it a good read. If you lean toward New Thought, Buddhism, mindfulness or the metaphysical, you’ll enjoy this book. If you don’t, then don’t waste your money.

If I’m So Wonderful, Why Am I Still Single?: Ten Strategies That Will Change Your Love Life Forever by Susan Page

Susan covers those lingering questions singles have. Your friends think you’re grand, but romantic partners aren’t coming out of the woodwork. She has good exercises for you to complete.

Laws of the Jungle: Dating for Women Over 40
by Gloria MacDonald and Thelma Beam

I found this to be one of the most interesting books on midlife dating I’ve read in a long while. It is co-written by a matchmaker specializing in people over 40 (Gloria MacDonald), and a couples therapist (Thelma Beam). They blend data with examples from their practices to make an interesting book with many points I’d not read before. The book is not filled with silly games or “rules,” instead it is filled with facts based on the population of Canada and the US, as well as science. “What could be so interesting about facts in a dating book?” you ask.

Good question. The facts help the reader have a more grounded idea of what to expect in midlife dating, rather than a fantasy. And since many of us haven’t dated for decades, it helps shower us in the icy water of reality.

“How could that possibly be helpful?” you may wonder. “Icy water is cold and bracing.” You’d be right. But without the sobering facts, many women have pie-in-the-sky expectations. For example, the authors look at the data of how many single men and women there are in the US and Canada, minus a “kook” factor. They figured at age 45 there were 12 single women for every 10 single men. At age 55, there are 15 single women for every 10 men in this age group, and by 65 there are 10 men for 25 women. Of course, not every single person is looking for love, and some single people are in a committed relationship. But the numbers are awakening.

Midlife women often say, “I’m not making the first move,” or “He has to work hard to win me,” or “I’m not returning his call. I don’t call men.” While this mind set may have worked when they were in their 20’s when there were more men than women, and the woman was in her prime, now in her 40’s, 50’s or 60’s few men will work as hard as they did then. They just don’t have to, as there are more women to choose from. Not that a woman should be easy, but she shouldn’t insist he jump through so many hoops he’ll be pooped.

Midlife women also seem to be picky, their requirements often based on their ex or departed husband, without really a sense that they aren’t in their 20’s anymore. The majority of women say they want someone over 6-feet tall. Did you know that only 14% of men are 6-feet tall? Only 9% are 6′1″? Women of all heights say they want — in fact many say they require — a man who is at least 6-feet tall, even if she is under 5′10″.

And many midlife women also insist that a man have all his hair. But 45% of men aged 40-49 have some hair loss; 55% of men 50-49; and 65% of men 60-69. Asking for all his hair is like a man insisting that a women has no gray in her hair, or doesn’t dye her hair. It cuts down the options dramatically.

We know that both genders commonly list “slim, slender, fit” as their preferences for a partner. However, the data shows that 75% of people aged 45-74 are overweight. So if you insist on this, you’re eliminating three-quarters of the population.

And lastly, women often say they want a successful man, stating they want someone who makes over $100,000/year. Even if their ex or late husband didn’t, or if she makes one-third of that. In the 45-64 age group, only 9-10% of men make six figures.

You may be saying, “But men are picky, too!” And you’d be right again. However, the data and our experience show that men date and marry women 5-30 years younger, so they have a much bigger pool to choose from. Of course, women are dating younger as well, but it is still most common for a woman to date someone nearer her own age or older. Which means the more insistent you are on certain external characteristics, the smaller the pool to choose from.

Does this mean you should settle? No, it means you should be clear on the character of the man you want and how he will treat you, and less hung up on characteristics, like hair, that are bound to change in a few years.

The book covers some “how to’s” as well as the data, but that is not as interesting (at least to me).

Table of Contents
The Laws Of The Jungle
Relationship Data
The Picky List
Six Categories Of Women
What Men Want
Sabotage Of Love
Where To Find Men
The Big Date And Beyond
How Men Hunt Today
The Big Question – Sex
How Do You Know if You’ve Found Mr. Right?

Looking for Love in Later Life: A Woman’s Guide to Finding Joy and Romantic Fulfillment by Monica Morris

The best chapter in this book is “To Bed or Not to Bed, That is the Question.” The rest offers pretty traditional advice. Not that it is bad, just not a lot new.

Love Smart: Find the One You Want — Fix the One You Got by Phil McGraw

In Dr. Phil’s usual down-to-earth manner, he tries to get us to better define who we are looking for, then to craft a plan to get him. Frankly, not a lot new here, but worth looking at if you’re new to the dating scene.

Mama Gena’s Owner’s and Operator’s Guide to Men by Regina Thomashauer

Regina’s advice is not for the faint of heart. She talks about how to get men to do what you want and how to sleep around. It is a fun read, but if you don’t believe men are your puppets you might pass on this one.

Mars and Venus in the Bedroom by John Gray

I considered earmarking certain pages and having a (then) boyfriend read them! So even if you think you are experienced, there were still some nuances that were worth reading.

Mars and Venus Starting Over: A Practical Guide for Finding Love Again After a Painful Breakup, Divorce, or the Loss of a Loved One by John Gray

Help on moving on and starting again. Sound advice on grieving and then moving on.
Mars and Venus on a Date: A Guide for Navigating the 5 Stages of Dating to Create a Loving and Lasting Relationship by John Gray

Who knew that unlocking the car door could be backfire! If you are new to dating, this helped shed some light on many things, including why women shouldn’t initiate too much, especially at the beginning.

Rescue Me, He’s Wearing a Moose Hat: And 40 Other Dates after 50 by Sherry Halperin

This work has been optioned for a movie, but I’m not sure if it’s because of the work, or because Ms. Halperin works in the film/entertainment business in So. California so has the right connections.

The book is essentially a memoir of her dates after her husband of 26 years died. She was 52 when she began her quest for “Mr. Right Again.” Her encounters lasted from 11 minutes to 18 months. Each mini-chapter tells of the different men she met. However, while the subtitle is “40 Other Dates after 50,” several chapters are about repeat assignations with the same men. And she saw some men for multiple dates, so I’m not sure if “40 other dates” refers to the men or the outings, as 40 would not be an accurate count for either.

While she has some humor, and a one-sentence insight at the end of each story, it is mostly a retelling of her experiences. They are mildly entertaining as reading about someone else’s bad dates can be. I’m not fond of that focus, as you know if you’ve read this blog for long.

So if you’re looking for a quick, somewhat entertaining read for a plane trip or the beach, pick it up. If you’re looking for insightful how to’s, then pass.

Sex: A Man’s Guide

A great resource for both men and women. Learn what guys know — or should know. A good book to read together — but be prepared for frequent interruptions as you have to discuss and experiment with various sections.

What Men Want: Three Professional Men Reveal What It Takes to Make a Man Yours

These guys did spill all. They even said that you should never sleep with a man on the first date, although he won’t say no to you. He will never consider you long term relationship material if you will.

What Men Won’t Tell You but Women Need to Know by Bob Berkowitz and Roger Gittines

Berkowitz does let us in on some little known info. He’s straightforward and talks to the reader as if she’s a good pal who doesn’t understand the ways of men — which most of us don’t! A good read.

Why Men Love Bitches: From Doormat to Dreamgirl — A Woman’s Guide to Holding Her Own in a Relationship by Sherry Argov

First, let me allow the author to explain the title, as it is somewhat off putting to those of us who don’t relish being referred to as bitches. Argov writes “I’m not recommending that a woman have an abrasive disposition. The woman I’m describing is kind yet strong. She doesn’t give up her life, and she won’t chase a man.” Of course, Why Men Love Confident Women wouldn’t have garnered the same kind of press, so she went with a more sensational title.

I agree with some of what she says. I saw myself both as a strong woman standing up for myself, as well as a “nice” woman who has allowed myself in the past to get taken for granted.

Other advice was the opposite of my values. For example, she advocates being “dumb like a fox.” I read this chapter as how to play games. You don’t tell the man directly what you want or are upset about, you show it by your actions. For example, the man you’re dating calls you at 10 p.m. to say he misses you and wants you to come over and cuddle. You are irritated that he wants you to drive to his place for a booty call. But do you say that? No. That would be too direct. Instead, you tell him you’re slipping into something sexy and will be over in 5 minutes. Could he wait you outside with an umbrella since it’s raining? (I don’t know why he wouldn’t suggest you bring your own umbrella, but hey, this is Argov’s book.) He waits, and waits, and waits and you don’t arrive. After an hour, it dawns on him you’re not coming and he was being a lout!

Or to show your live-in beau he can’t control you, you stay out 2 hours after you told him you’d be home, without calling. That is downright rude to me, and I’d be worried sick if someone I cared about was two hours late and didn’t let me know they were okay.

Her point is that men don’t hear words, they only see actions. They won’t hear that you’re upset with them. They tune it out as if you’re nagging. Isn’t this a tad condescending? It implies all men are uncommunicative and unable to talk about issues openly, honestly and maturely.

The book was confusing because she says bitches are nice, but nice gals get treated like doormats. But the examples she gave showing when strong women were nice, revealed they were duplicitous and passive aggressive, not saying what they were feeling or wanted.

I like the general message that you need to be clear on what you want and not change who you are to fit what you think your guy wants. This means don’t give up your gym time, gal pals and other self-care priorities. She says you need to look out for yourself all the time, and the more you do the more appealing you will be to men. The more you acquiesce and change your life to constantly accommodate his preferences, he loses respect for you. Which means he’ll go poof in an instant.

In “Do men want feisty women?” we discussed that many men like spirited, strong women. When I bounced off the book’s premise to a guy pal I adore, he said, “I don’t think most guys are attracted to strong women. I think they scare the pants off the guys.” I can see it would with some men, but I also know some won’t put up with a dependent woman. The key is to figure out who you are and what you want, then find a way to attract what is a good fit for you.