What kind of tree are you?

Posted November 25, 2007 by Dating Goddess
Categories: Dating after 40

Spending six days over the holiday with a two-decade-married couple gave me ample opportunity to watch their relationship up close for days on end. Usually when we visit friends or relatives we spend from several hours to a few days with them. When others are around, most of us are on our best behavior. Only after sufficient time do true behaviors and patterns emerge.

I felt a mix of friend, confidant, and behavioral scientist watching their patterns displayed in everyday activities. So when the woman shared some of their hiccups, I began to see where the breakdowns occurred.

A recurring event transpired when one of them suggested doing something his/her way and the other expressed, in an irritated tone, the desire to do it another way. They both sounded irked until one of them acquiesced. The acquiescer, though, showed his/her annoyance, but out of view or ear shot of the other.

So the dance continued. These are both highly intelligent people who have worked on their relationship. But they continued to repeat patterns of “My way is best” until one gave in. And they wondered why there was resentment.

Finally, near the end of my stay, unable to keep quiet any longer, I spoke up. “You two are both capable, competent and good problem solvers. You seem to get annoyed when the other doesn’t see the wisdom of your way of doing something. Rather than realizing that the best solution could be a combination of your ideas, or that either of your fixes would work just fine, you make the other wrong.

oak tree“Think of each other like a tree. No, I’m not going all Barbara Walters here — ‘If you were a tree, what kind of tree would you be?’ But let’s say you (the guy) is an oak tree. What is great about oaks? They are strong, majestic, and provide acorns which feed wild life. But they aren’t very flexible and would not ride out a hurricane very well.

palm tree“And you (the woman) is like a palm. What is great about palms? They bend in high winds, provide shade from the heat, and create dates or coconuts. But palms survive only in tropical or subtropical weather, so the environment has to be just right to thrive.

“You two go about your life together getting upset that the other doesn’t operate like you do. The oak gets upset that the palm is so wishy-washy (flexible) and that her seeds (coconuts) are so big they smash the acorns to bits when they fall. The palm is irritated that the oak is so rigid and his seeds are so tiny you can’t find them.

“If you would just step back and appreciate what each of you bring to the party. How each of you is magnificent in your own way, and encourage each other to be more of what you naturally contribute to the relationship. Embrace it and strategically utilize each others’ strengths rather than constantly wishing the other were more like you. I think you’d have more peace and love in your relationship, which is what you say you want.”

I left shortly after this discussion, so don’t know if it made any impact or not. Perhaps this can be a reminder for all of us to appreciate the different strengths each partner brings to the relationship, rather than wishing s/he were more like us.

Have you had success appreciating and embracing your partner’s differences rather than condemning them? If so, share how you did this.

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The downsides of always getting your way

Posted November 23, 2007 by Dating Goddess
Categories: Dating after 40

We’ve discussed how a mature, sane man generally wants to make you happy. But how can always getting what you want make you unhappy? A fellow strong woman and I were discussing this recently.

“While I appreciate that my man is interested in making me happy, sometimes it can be a weight,” she shared.

“In what way?” I queried.

“If he’s not willing to speak up about what he wants, then I feel I need to take into consideration what I think he would like before deciding something. So if he asks me what movie I want to see, I could choose a chick flick, but know he wouldn’t be thrilled. So I choose one that may not be at the top of my list, but know he’s more likely to enjoy.”

“That just seems considerate. Why is that a problem?”

“Because I’m not then being exposed to movies that he might suggest and I wouldn’t have thought of. Instead of broadening my options, I’m limited to only what I think of or know about.

“Also, a relationship should be 50/50. I want to give him what he wants equally. By his not thinking about what he wants and sharing it, I’m not really getting to know his true desires. If he constantly puts my preferences above his, he’s hiding from me.”

“I can see that. Also, I’ve found when someone acquiesces too much, it is tedious to always make the decisions. I used to ski with a woman who would never make a decision about which runs we should take. ‘Whatever you want,’ she’d say. I noticed how much work it was to decide the runs that I knew she could handle. Finally, I said, ‘You pick the runs in the morning and I’ll choose them for the afternoon.’ It felt much more balanced that way.”

“Yes, you’re then not feeling responsible for them.”

“Exactly.”

What downsides have you found to always getting your way?

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Thanks for unknown blessings to come

Posted November 21, 2007 by Dating Goddess
Categories: Dating after 40, Getting your dating attitude on
“Give thanks for unknown blessings already on their way.” ~Native American prayer

ThanksgivingSince it’s Thanksgiving week here in the US, this quote held significance for not only giving thanks for treasures already in our lives — our families, bounty and life — but also for dating.

One of the fun things about dating is not knowing who or what is around the corner. Will the next guy with whom you connect be the guy for you? If so, will he enchant you immediately knocking your socks off, or will you fall in love slowly? Even if he’s not the one for you, what unknown blessings might your meeting him bring?

As I look back at the 83 men with whom I’ve gone out in my 3-year adventure, I can see many blessings they have brought, whether it’s an enjoyable conversation, information on a topic I was interested in, a pleasant meal, or insight into how that man’s mind works. I’ve even had blessings from men who made contact but we didn’t meet! The ahas were what I learned about myself, what I wanted or didn’t want, or a new understanding of how some men think or operate.

So with every new wink, email or coffee encounter, ask “What blessing is this man offering?” Even bad dates have lessons if you’re willing to look.

At this time of thanks, pause for a few minutes and note the blessings that dating has brought you. (Try not to think of the turkeys!) And prepare for the unknown blessings ahead. Share the significant ones with us.

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“The Bachelor” mirrors real life

Posted November 20, 2007 by Dating Goddess
Categories: Dating after 40, Releasing back into the dating pool

Before you say, “DG, are you crazy? The Bachelor is totally contrived,” hear me out. I’m not saying it’s not artificial, nor that much of it parallels real life. In fact, I admit to only watching 2 episodes this season, and none of any previous season.

I mean having 25 women live in a mansion while competing for a man’s affection is strange, don’t you think? And I find it far fetched to believe some of these women developed such deep feelings for a man with whom they barely spent any one-on-one time. But I do believe some feelings could develop on both sides. However, I’ve always thought it ludicrous that the producers expect a couple to become engaged at the end of such a manufactured love test.

Brad WomackSo when Brad Womack, the bachelor of this season, chose neither of the final two women last night, I wanted to cheer. Finally, someone who understands that it is folly to ask someone to marry you after knowing her so little time.

However, I was as confused as the two women, because he repeatedly expressed how deep his feelings were for both women, and how he could see himself married to either. The episode contributed to our bafflement since it didn’t allow us to hear Brad’s justification — especially when we saw him buy an engagement ring and tell the audience he was sure of his decision.

But it reminded me of the wail I hear from many women: “He said he really cared for me, he’d never met anyone like me, I made him very happy. He did all the right things to sweep me off my feet. I told him how much I cared for him and he never said he didn’t feel the same way. How could he lead me on like that, then go poof? I believed him, then he just disappeared. He played me!”

In The Bachelor’s case, the producers want to entice us to tune in tonight to hear Brad’s side of the story. In real life, we rarely get that chance. Brad seems like the real deal — sensitive, vulnerable, respectful to these women. Was he lying when he told each one he felt deeply for her? I don’t think so. I think people can have deep feelings, but not yet feel in love.

So was Brad right to not propose when he knew he wasn’t completely in love? Absolutely. My guess is he understood the seriousness of marriage and wanted to be absolutely clear he was making the right decision when he asked the woman he chose.

Now might he be a perfectionist or commitment averse? Perhaps, but I didn’t hear anything that would make me believe that. Might some of the men who have left you in the dust have other issues? Of course.

So we can’t say Brad is a clone of some of your past loves. But I think he is representative of guys who are genuine, honest and straightforward, yet they don’t behave as we want them to. We can call them names and say how much they’ve hurt us. And after we grieve and obsess over trying to figure out what happened, we can be grateful because we wouldn’t want to be with a man who wasn’t absolutely, positively sure he wanted to be with us. Otherwise, we’re just a place holder.

Yes, I will be tuning in to hear Brad’s side so I can understand why he made the decision he did. And then we can see if his logic applies to other relationships, past and future.

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“Men aren’t trained in emotions”

Posted November 18, 2007 by Dating Goddess
Categories: Dating after 40

Not exactly a news flash.

But since this was uttered by a midlife male pal who I adore, I wanted to hear more on his perspective. He’s been dating about 3 years after his divorce from a long-term marriage. We were talking about why it’s so hard for a man to tell a woman he doesn’t want to date her anymore, so he just goes poof. Although I’ve covered this territory with other men, I was interested in his perspective.

“Men are taught to not let their emotions show, through messages like ‘Men don’t cry,’ ‘Be tough,’ ‘Just suck it up.’ Men learn to stuff their emotions and freak out when a woman shows hers. So they just disappear rather than having an adult conversation because they don’t want to face her potentially crying.”

children readingThen he said something that just hit me as brilliant: “Schools ought to have all sixth graders read an age-appropriate version of Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus. It would have a huge impact if men and women started understanding the genders’ differences early in life, rather than just making the other wrong.”

What would life be like if we all got that training early on? Heck, what would your dating life be like if you only dated men who had read and understood that book, or others like it? Would there be less judgment and more understanding? I think so.

Instead of always finding fault with the other gender, students would learn to appreciate what unique perspectives and attributes the other contributes. There would be less upset and fewer divorces.

Not that John Gray’s book is the panacea to peace between the genders. But it is a start. Or perhaps there are others that would be better choices.

Right now we depend on learning about the other gender all on our own. We may read books, talk to wise friends or therapists or take seminars from those who are willing to pass on their knowledge. But we know that many people don’t take the initiative to educate themselves. And unfortunately, they never learn and just continue to blame the other gender for being their worst selves.

If you were asked to suggest a book, seminar or resource to another who wanted to learn about gender differences, what would you recommend?

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