Honesty is not always the best policy

No, I am not suggesting you lie. I am suggesting, however, that there are times when full honesty is not the best at the time.

For example, full disclosure is not always necessary on a first date. I’ve had guys tell me they were still living with their wives, had been adulterers, were being sued by their ex-girlfriend, had an IRS lien on their house, had done something illegal, and had an STD. I had a doctor disclose his license had been on probation for carrying a concealed weapon and brought the paper work to show the probation was complete. Another shared his ex had called the cops accusing him of child molestation. And I had one man explain he enjoyed dressing in women’s clothes!

Now all of these things would be important to know — if I was interested in going further. However, I think it would have been fine if I was told on the second date. I’m sure the guys thought they were being forthright — which they were — by disclosing possible deal breakers from the beginning. I just thought this sort of total honesty was a bit much for a first “let’s meet” date. In fact, most of these disclosures meant there was not a second date, so you could say they saved me time and energy.

Another time full honesty may not be the best policy is when you are saying you don’t want to see him again. You could list the litany of his character flaws to show why you aren’t a good match. However a dear friend was recently devastated when a woman he dated a few times told him she didn’t want to see him again because he was too effeminate. He knew he was a “soft” man, so this did nothing to help him, and affected his self-esteem thinking no woman would find him attractive.

So disclose what you think might be a deal breaker, but hold some things in reserve for the second date. Some things you think might be a deal breaker actually won’t be for the right guy.

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Explore posts in the same categories: Dating after 40, Getting your dating attitude on, The first date

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