Why men don’t tell you you’re pretty

Some men tell you they think you are attractive on the first or other early dates. Some will never tell you.

For two months I dated a man who never said he thought I was attractive. In frustration at his aloofness, one day I said to him, “I don’t even know if you find me attractive.” He said, “I’m pursuing you, aren’t I?” Since I didn’t consider this wealthy man’s once-a-week phone calls and occasional casual, home cooked meals much of a pursuit, I retorted, “Are you?” In other words, he didn’t feel he needed to tell me he was attracted to me or thought I was pretty or sexy. His actions — minimal as they were — should speak for themselves. So I guess he found me minimally attractive. Or he never learned to express himself to a woman in a way that would make her feel good.

beautiful.jpgUpon sitting down for dinner with another man for a first encounter, he looked at me, paused, and said, “You’re beautiful.” I smiled and said, “Thank you.” That was the last time I heard it for several months. When he uttered it again, I said, “Thank you. That feels good to hear.” He said, “I don’t tell beautiful women they are beautiful.” When I asked, “Why not?” he said, “Beautiful women know they are beautiful and they hear it all the time. It doesn’t mean anything to them because so many people tell them. Average-looking women know they aren’t beautiful, so if you tell them they are, they know you are lying. And women think that someone wants something from them if you compliment their looks. So I find it best to not tell women they are beautiful, pretty or sexy.”

Can you imagine? Yes, I know you can, but I’m guessing you’re as incredulous as I am about these attitudes.

So what about those of us who aren’t classically beautiful? Using the last guy’s logic, since he finds you beautiful, you must hear this all the time and have grown weary of hearing it. But if you have the kind of attractiveness that some find pretty and others find average, I bet you don’t feel you hear “You’re very pretty” too many times.

I think some men hold back telling a woman she is beautiful (or pretty or sexy) because they don’t want to come across as fawning, smarmy, unctuous or gushy. He doesn’t want a woman to think he has fallen for her based only on her looks, so then can be led around by his nose. When some women know a man is ga-ga for her, they use it to manipulate him. It’s happened for eons.

And of course, men can use these compliments as a “line” to get closer to you. As I discussed in “He had me from ‘You’re gorgeous!’” I was enamored with this guy from the get-go, but his salutation was only part of the enticing package. But alas, his thinking (or at least saying) I was gorgeous was not enough to keep him around after three dates. He went poof.

Intellectually we know that it only matters that we think we are attractive, and what others think isn’t our concern. But deep down we also like to know that the person we are dating finds us attractive and is able to express that genuinely. Yes, it can be overdone so that you think the man only wants to be with you because of your looks. But if he tells you sincerely and regularly, somehow it makes him more attractive too! And, of course, the more beautiful a person is on the inside, as shown through his thoughtfulness, kindness, caring, respect and attention toward you and others, his outer looks become more appealing. (See “Yummy is as yummy does.”)

How do you feel when a man tells you sincerely he thinks you’re attractive (beautiful, pretty, sexy)? And what have you done when a man you’ve gone out with for more than a month is stingy in this area?

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47 Comments on “Why men don’t tell you you’re pretty”

  1. LA Says:

    Men tell me quite consistently that I am beautiful and sexy but I don’t put much credence into their words. Some are very sincere when they say that I am more beautiful than my picture, but, I think most use the words as a line. To me it is just words. If a man really wants to compliment me and show that he finds me interesting and attractive than give me some actions. To me, a man who follows through on his promises, is willing to help when I need an extra set of hands, or will listen to me when I want to vent is more attractive (and gets more attention) to me than the dashing executive who whispers sweet nothings into my ear.

  2. Strblonde Says:

    This was a very interesting article for me to read. I grew up with my older sister constantly calling me “dumb, stupid, and ugly.” Because of an eye problem, I believed it and developed very low self-esteem. I did not date because I was too shy. As a result I have been gullible to flattery. I am now finally realizing the difference. I have been told lately be several different men that I am attractive and desirable. I’m not sure how sincere it was now from one of them, but from the others I believe they were sincere and that has helped my confidence level even more. So much so that I finally feel strong enough not to let men take advantage of me. I have a whole new “game face” on and if they go “poof” I am not going to keep asking myself, “what did I do wrong?” In the future, if a man I am dating does not compliment me occasionally, I think I would tell him, “you know, it would be very nice to hear if you find me attractive and desirable once in awhile. It isn’t going to go to my head.”

  3. Kat Wilder Says:

    You know, a lot depends on how and when it’ said. If it comes off as “a line,” I dismiss it. (But that doesn’t mean if it’s passed off in a charming way by a charming man, I’m not going to smile and thank him.)

    Like many women, though, I often find compliments heard to accept. I’m working on it, though.

    But I want to ask you all — how often do you compliment your date on something, whether it’s his clothes, smile, eyes, etc. (and, after you’ve been intimate, his well, ya know. A lot of friends have told me they don’t, and I was very surprised. I think for men, that is something they desperately want to hear).

  4. Fred G Says:

    OK – I am guilty of that. And even on occasion I explain it – whether it matters or does any good or not.

    Basically – I do eventually acknowledge someone’s physical attractiveness then state (honestly) the following.

    “…Yes you are very attractive, and I often do not say anything about it – though if that faded or if something happened to change that it would not matter. Someone that has my affection and commitment is going to have that whether they are deemed generally attractive or homely or something else. …”

    And some women I have dated for a while were not what most considered to be attractive. Though as one bonds with them they naturally become so to me.

    I know – it sounds like a bunch of crap – but every woman claims (read the online ads) that they want a man who is honest.

    So I do usually acknowledge things like:

    “That looks good on you…”

    “You look good in that…”

    when it actually is.

    I find if someone constantly needs reinforcement of being pretty then I usually do not survive the relationship. So the man who said “I’m pursuing you, aren’t I?”, was just a tad insensitive.

    When I get that kind of question I usually say that I do find them attractive, which I do, and that I don’t often acknowledge it (as in the statements above), then try to acknowledge it for a while honestly to turn around any valid insecurity. I also acknowledge the values that I find more important – when it is true and we know each other well enough to be believed – “Love the way you think…”, “I learned something new from you”(often), and last one: “Thanks for asking for directions”.

    (Last one for humor).

  5. NYSharon Says:

    To all the men out there: WE NEVER TIRE OF HEARING A COMPLIMENT, AND SAYING THAT YOU LIKE THE WAY WE LOOK IS ONE OF THE TOP ONES. Bottom line is, is you are interested, tell us you think we are beautiful.
    I will tell you what happens when men are stingy in that area. My exhusband was. Even when I would go the extra mile he would never say anything. At some point I started asking “how do I look?” and he was say “OK” in a monitoned voice. Then we would go to a social event and his friends would say all the things I wanted to hear from him. When I finally confronted him about this, he simply said that he thought I was looking for a compliment and knew I what I wanted to hear so he didn’t. That is one of the reasons he is now living alone and it certainly shows that it is better to error on the side that she may tire of it. (I dought it)

  6. Gatti Says:

    My ex used to accuse me of “fishing for complements”, I guess I was because then didn’t arrive too often, so I tried to help them along. Now I’m get complements all the time (sincerely meant ones!) and was called modest as well. Who’s right? I know which one I’ll take!

  7. bookyone Says:

    Hi DG,

    Wow, it must be nice to get compliments on your appearance. The only compliments I’ve ever received in my entire life (besides the obligatory family patter) were those I received from an ex boss (the best boss I ever had) on my work performance.

    I often fantasize about what it would be like to get compliments on my appearance. I imagine it would be nice. Well, it doesn’t look like I’ll ever find out for myself so I’ll continue to read your blog and enjoy myself vicariously through reading about your achievements.

    Best wishes from bookyone 🙂

  8. Kevin Says:

    wow great blog

  9. Bonhomme Says:

    why are we always thinking in terms of men giving women compliments? for once, i’d die to see it the other way around (i hate to say it but women seem too full of themselves and ONE ANOTHER–yes, they’re really not into us guys unless OTHER WOMEN find us desirable!)

    bonhomme

  10. guy Says:

    I dont know i love to tell my wife shes beautiful. Sometimes i feel like she doesnt believe it and that saddens me because to me shes the only person i find attractive. She thinks i want an anorexic hoe, but she is so sexy to me. I love her, I think of waking up to her and falling asleep next to her all the time. I am considered very attractive by most standards, but still, it would feel sooooooooo good just to hear once in a while that she thinks im beautiful. Or that she still fidns me sexy. Or that she misses having sex with me. The only times she really does these things is when shes prompted. I know its not the sociatil norm for girls to tell guys that they are attractive. We are the stuffed in the box as the non feeling non needing pillars, and if you need, well then your weak. But im a person and i have feelings just the same as she does. Idk i guess ive always had a hard time seeing things in temrs of men and women, im a person, shes a person, i miss feeling pretty, especially when i try so hard to fix my hair and clothes for her. She does say its cute when i send her a pic, thats good i guess.

    • Pamela Says:

      Guy,

      I just read what you wrote and I want to tell you that even though I cannot see you, I know you are truly beautiful because you are a beautiful man on the inside. Your wife is so very lucky. I hope she wakes up and sees it someday soon.

      • Girly Says:

        I hope she realises too!! sounds like your are completely in love with her and she cant see it! I often tell men they look hot or what there wearing suits them etc, i only give genuine compliments .My ex boyf told me he doesnt need some one to tell him he’s good looking .but i told him all the same !!!


  11. Really great Blog! Enjoyed Internet dating back in my 50’s and had a great time! I am now married to the love of my life whom I met over the Internet. My motto while I was Internet dating was, “The Internet Changes Everything.” Women no longer have to sit around or go to bars looking for their next friendship. I loved it!


  12. […] manipulate. Interestingly, “No compliments, ever” does reinforce my findings in “Why men don’t tell you you’re pretty.” So since midlife men are employing some of these, clearly these rules have been around for […]

  13. hunter Says:

    to Kat Wilder,

    ….compliment my you know what…that made me smile just thinking about it.

  14. hunter Says:

    ….most men don’t know, that,,,, sometimes,,,, compliments make a relationship sizzle. I like to give the high heel compliment. If she is wearing nice shoes, and taking short steps, she gets my wolf call….

  15. Ralph Says:

    Ya know….telling a girl she is attractive is a tricky thing sometimes. I honestly think that honesty when complementing is the way to go. I try to find something that is unique and attractive to complement on. The not just the smile, but the way she smiles, sort of thing. But when a woman is pretty sometimes you just gotta tell her. I think most women can tell when a guy is genuine in their complements. BTW loved your speech this weekend.

  16. hunter Says:

    to Ralph,

    …you are correct there, “complimenting a pretty woman” can be a sensitive issue, only because she, most likely gets compliments all the time….

    • Pamela Says:

      Look, I must tell you, that I am very fortunate to be beautiful. No accomplishment of my own, my mom was a real stunner and I just got some good genes. But I must tell you, it’s all about WHO you get the compliment from. If it’s some random guy in a bar that you don’t know. Its a little uncomfortable, but if it is from the man you adore, it is essential. I work pretty hard to look nice for my self, but also for my boyfriend. I make an extra effort to please him. If I make a great dinner for him and he never says a word about it, that hurts my feelings. Same goes for my appearance. I am naturally pretty, yes, but like ALL women, I still need to put some work into it….especially now, over 40. It hurts my feelings when my man does not recognize my efforts and does not tell me I look great or i am beautiful. Plus, it’s his approval I am wanting, not the stranger in the bar. Appreciating and complimenting your woman makes her feel loved…and prettier. If she feels prettier, she will smile more and affect a more positive attitude. Consequently, she will BECOME prettier. If you compliment her efforts, she will make more of them. It is called positive reinforcement. If you starve her for affection the prettiest woman will start to lose her looks in a sour expression. There is something beautiful in everyone….especially if you love them TELL THEM ABOUT IT!!!!!!

  17. Mitzy Says:

    A mature relationship will have compliments naturally flowing. In short if you like ANYTHING about the person, male or female, or if they do something/anything you like TELL them or COMPLIMENT them. You can say, “you make me feel so special” or “you make me proud to be with you” or “I like the way you always think of me” or “that was a great meal” or “I like to spend time with you”.

    Part of the human condition is that we ALL like validation, and approval and acceptance irregardless of male or female.

    The problems begin when one feels the need to take as in sense of entitlement, or one gives “feedback and validation” and support and shows their pleasure with the other but the other half never recriprocates. There are zillions of ways to show our partners our gratitude and approval, or to let them know they are “pleasing” to us, unfortunately some love to get validation/approval but NEVER think to give it back.

    Men often have HUGE ego issues, and men that are starved for “acceptance” often never think to give it. It is my experience that women are more prone to “compliment” and men seem stingy with approval and acceptance. But then I can only see this from the perspective of my gender. I like to give and receive compliments, approval and acceptance. I hate it when it isn’t recriprocated. That can be a big clue the one you are dating has power and control issues. They take but don’t give.

  18. Mitzy Says:

    I also wanted to note, that men seem to be “insincere” because they often use false flattery as a “line” to achieve conquest and so women not used to being “overwhelmed” with compliments of that nature fear accepting compliments (like dinner) has a hidden meaning so they want to be “sure” it is genuine or just a “line”.

    Women often withhold too much flattery too soon, as men will “read” it as meaning the conquest has been scored. Some of this “false” smoozing is loaded with hidden meaning.

    Women often too, date men just to pump up damaged ego as they don’t get it from the man they want it from.

    It is a loaded issue, and that is why it is best to compliment something in a sincere way……….by SPECIFICALLY noting what it is they find pleasing.

    Men tell women what they want to hear, and then stop after conquest is secured are seen as false, conning, and shallow, so guys make it a point to find something nice to say as even “ugly” people have good qualities. Isn’t it about the person and who they are, not about physical appearence only? I know some really great human male persons who might not make any magazine covers, but then those covers are false and airbrushed………..ditto for women. REAL MEN AND REAL WOMEN should be able to compliment something about the PERSON……….every one should make a habit of finding something PLEASING about all the humans we interact with, something specific and meaningful.

    They way a person compliments you can tell you alot about the person. The way a person gives or receives compliments can be “loaded” issues about a persons depth, honesty, and intent.

    I think everyone would say they would like more VALIDATION and approval and understanding.

    Looks fade, and true love is liking the _____________ of a 19. 25 , 40 or 50 year old person, meaning find something Genuine and REAL about the person you “like” and compliment that. Get off the shallow, and into REAL acceptance of the person, as we all like to be consider unique, exclusive, and noticed for WHO we are. It takes practice and a new way of looking at both sexes to be a good compliment giver.

    Every one should practice that, and compliments don’t have to be just about looks, and the ones that aren’t are often appreciated more.

    Saying, “you look great in that dress” it usually better recieved, than a simple “you’re pretty”. Saying, ” I love the way you open doors for me” is a lot more genuine than “you’re hot”. If you do end up an item or married EVERYONE has “home” days where they still want acceptance, the acceptance during ‘down, not dressed up and going out time” is REALLY important.

    No one stays “eye candy” forever. So accepting with the “heart” not just the eyes is important to both sexes.

  19. Mitzy Says:

    Most people can spot the “turning on the charm” to GET something. It comes across as false, shallow and conning. The man I am now seperated from was only “nice’ and flattering when he wanted something. It became a signal for “look out”, he has something he is trying to get or has done something that is selfish and cruel.

    Once he “delivered his zinger” or acted selfishly the shallowness of his compliments was ALWAYS revealed. Fishing expidetions to find the “key” to what compliment worked are never flattering. The old “tell her what she wants to hear” to get something was very ABUSIVE. It became very revealing over time. I could do wonderful and great and caring things………but I ONLY got compliments that were meant to serve HIM. It wasn’t about ME, and who I am at all. He also had a way of giving “backhanded” compliments that left you KNOWING just how shallow he really was, and so into power and control and con.

    I guess as a result of this type treatment (and we all have experienced people like this) compliments is a “loaded” issue with me and anyone who has been “conned” with insincerity. When this was “pointed out” to him, he withheld ALL approval and never noted the real of who I am and what I do, he was hypercritical and easily offended if his cons didn’t work.

    I think this is why women in particular are starved for SINCERE compliments, and maybe the reason men who are starved for approval (after being with a shallow woman) abound. It wasn’t about the real in the first place but more like the “bunglings of small children looking to con, or excuse”

  20. Cat Says:

    The last man I had a (very long) relationship with not only did not give compliments, he seemed to not get a lot of stuff about women. He was over forty, and talked as if he was very experienced, but he didn’t seem to “get it”. He had some sweet ways about him at times, but many times seemed to actually want me to think there was something inadequate about me (which there is not). He seemed to appreciate that I was smart and good at my job, etc., but I only surmised that from the way he spoke with me about it, he didn’t really give me compliments about it or say he was proud of me. The more personal compliments were almost non-existent. From the beginning I just thought he was shy. The very occasional, “You look good,” made my heart flutter because it happened so seldom. I used to say it all the time to him, so maybe I was a good example! I used to call him handsome and sexy too.

    I once asked him if he thought I was pretty. That was on a day after I had been insulted by someone else and was still stinging from it. I hadn’t talked to him about it, but basically just wanted a friend’s shoulder to lean on. Yeah, I wanted reassurance and I think anyone who wants that is deserving of it – especially when the man you are dating keeping referring to himself as your friend and you consider him your best or closest friend. Well, after I asked him if he thought I was pretty he huffed at me and just sat there in the car staring straight ahead. (We were in a parked car.) It made me feel very cold and alone. I hated him for doing that.

    Another time I asked him if I looked sexy the night before. He had a big lot of nerve and said, “No”. Just flat out. Not angry of anything. He said I looked casual in what I was wearing, but not sexy. I told him off because I was just so stunned and hurt. He said he was talking about the outfit I was wearing and not saying I wasn’t sexy. I didn’t say this, but come on, when you are wearing the same sort of thing that a girl from Hooters wears and he drools over those girls and he says you look casual and not sexy, what at you supposed to think!

    He did actually told me I was sexy once. A couple of nights after I gave him great oral sex. Thanks. In fact, I think the man’s idea of complimenting a woman is to tell her he wants to see her naked and, well, putting it nicely give her oral sex. I heard that kind of stuff a lot.

    I think some men are just selfishly concerned with how they are doing whether they have power (i.e, compliments mean they have lost it) and they are probably too inexperienced in talking to women to know what a woman needs to hear. Doesn’t matter how many women a man has been with, it he doesn’t get it he will keep making the same mistakes and making a woman feel like less than. In a weird way, as long as the guy is not abusive, a guy like that is to be pitied.

    The ideas of the guy in the blog show that his thinking process is mixed up. To me a man that uses that kind of reasoning is inexperienced because he hasn’t learned yet how to make a woman feel like a woman.

  21. Dee Says:

    I think guys can overdo it in telling you you’re pretty and yes, it can make you think they’re after something.. That something just being sex mainly. I find myself more comfortible with men who don’t keep judging me on my appearances. It’s very uncomfortible. However, when you like a guy it is nice to know that he likes you to. It just leaves you completely puzzled if you don’t know that. You don’t know where it’s going. Some guys just say too much of what they should not while others don’t say enough of what they should. You’d think that at least after a week or so he’d say something! When it’s immediate it makes you want to take cover- you think this guys out for a quicky!

  22. CMS Says:

    I think it depends on a wpman’s temperament. I’ve been married almost 20 years, I’m not young, and I still get compliments – from my husband and others here and there. I’m not particularly gorgeous – but I’m naturally very slender. I think that our culture over-values this one trait, and people equate thin with good looking, but don’t really look very closely. If I were a few sizes larger – with no other changes – I doubt I’d hear these things.

  23. dfkjd Says:

    When I was younger I did some modeling and people (both male and female) tell me that I’m very attractive all the time. Though I find my husband attractive, he is a bit nerdy, definitely not stereotypical “hunk”. Every time he introduces me to someone, they say something along the lines of “holy crap, this is your wife?”. This said, my husband only ever tells me I’m attractive when he’s prompted by me feeling crappy about my weight or something — more to shut me up than anything else. What’s worse, is that he constantly comments on how beautiful other girls are and I once even overheard him describe me as “just your average looking gal”. I know I’m pretty, but I’d like to know that my husband finds me at least mildly attractive. It’s as though everyone thinks I’m pretty except the one person who should think this the most, a man who most people don’t even think deserves to be with a girl who looks like me. What the hell?

  24. maria Says:

    I have been going out with a man for 12 months. I haven’t got a compliment yet…. I even went so far to call myself ugly, hoping that might trigger a compliment, but all he could say was, Your not ugly Ahhhhhhhhhhhhh help! Are some men thick or something?

  25. Jafizah Says:

    It is said that beauty of a person lies on the eyes of the beholders. How true it is. Sometimes it is okay to not hear people especially guys telling you that you are pretty as long as you have confidence in yourself. Because the way you act too, affect your whole look, your appearance.

    Just like the story that are told in the article, the woman whom the man finds attractive at first puff out from her life when he realize there’s more to a relationship than a woman’s beauty. These proves out to be the attraction might fade away from a woman if she behaves slightly different from what the man expected or judge from her looks.

    Sometimes even professional models or famous stars were not so beautiful to certain men.

    Plus, in a man’s world, ‘action speaks louder than words’. Which is so true. If he treats you nicely, keep his promise, likes to help you, etc…then it surely points out that he finds you very attractive. As a woman, we could easily detect or figure out if a man finds you attractive without him have to tell you.

    A man also has his own reasons for not telling you your beautiful. So we doesn’t have to feel down on ourselves or feel bad about our looks. Just be well-groomed.

    Okay, maybe it is okay to let him know that it is alright to tell you that your beautiful, because that will make him even more attractive himself.

  26. Cleo Says:

    I just broke up with a man that I dated for three years. He is very wealthy and very cheap. Compliments are free. He never once told me that I was pretty, looked good, he liked something I was wearing or was sexy.

    He did expect me to have enthusiastic sex with him. He did compliment me on my ability to parallel park, on several occasions.

    When I broke up with him I was screaming, “What the hell is wrong with a man who would expect a woman to sleep with him and never feel the need to tell he thought she was pretty or enjoyed the sex?” He just sat there. He didn’t say I was pretty, that he assumed I knew it…whatever.

    All I can assume is that he does not really find me attractive and was using me. I hope he gets gonorrhea from a whore and goes blind. Jerk.

    • Helena Says:

      I love this comment. I am dating a guy that it would kill him to tell me I look nice. I would even settle for “cute”. He does all kinds of things for me but, I would love to hear that he thinks I am sexy and pretty. I am begining to question why I am even with him. I need the validation.

  27. Iris Says:

    You all are so right I never get compliments been with the same guy for a little over 4yrs and we have a 2yr old. I have bent over backwards trying to make him feel good and I speak the truth when I tell him. I feel like I was suckered in because beginning of the relationship I was told things no guy ever told me before but he did a whole 360 on me and now I guess I am suppose to assume things and once he told me that we are so close that it is an un spoken thing between us but all I can assume is that he doesn’t find me attractive at all. I am not enthusiastic during sex because I am lacking the love and the things a woman should feel from her man emotionaly during sex. I don’t feel sexy to him let alone atractive its more than physical for me its both. Make love to my mind not just my body. I don’t want to feel like I just exsist here, why shouldn’t I feel special to him. It so hurts. But its ok, I guess it isn’t really important. And get this I am not even addressed by a name not my name or pet name anymore, just a grunt.

    But you know I blame myself and even after 3 and a half years of feeling emotionally and mentally unloved and wanted, unattractive and not sexy I am willing to be unhappy and except this because I love him. But it hurts and saddens me dearly. first time I have told anyone besides him, and I am so glad I am not alone in this subject matter.

  28. Mel Says:

    I too am with a guy who hasn’t told me in 4.5 months that I am attractive. In fact I can count the compliments on one hand and they aren’t much – you are not fat, you look nice, your hair is fine, I like short hair and the best one (which was mumbled) you are addictive. I’m sure he thinks I’m attractive. I really have no doubt on that matter but it’s coming to a head as I need to hear it and I don’t think that is superficial. As one of my friends said – “He doesn’t HAVE to tell you but why wouldn’t he want to?”

  29. Lily Says:

    Aren’t all these guys just using it as a method to control women? Every abuser knows that women want to be attractive and fear that they’re not. Think about it, please. These men are controlling you by witholding approval, and invalidating you, which is emotional abuse. Negative reinforcement is making you jump through hoops – don’t do it! You’re worth so, so much more than that and from what I can see in every photo, beautiful! I’ve been in relationships like this, and it makes me so, so angry! Men fear losing you because you’re beautiful and can get you to do so much more that they ordinarily could by putting you down and keeping you off balance. Obviously women can do this to men too, but I’m reponding to the many comments from women about men above. I’m tired of controlling, manipulative men. Why are there so many of them around?

  30. sasha Says:

    I have to say i agree with the guy in the article. I for once, get really tired when a man constantly praises my looks. Maybe because i hear it fairly often, maybe because it seems like all that matters to him are my looks.
    I’d much rather him say something about my inner qualities as cliched as it sounds. If he compliments my looks once in a while – that would be enough for me, anything more than that just seems cheesy and superficial to me.

    To each her own i guess.

  31. Reyn Says:

    The best compliment I will say was catching my boyfriend(ever so stingy with his “serious” thoughts about me/us) over dinner when I wasn’t saying much, just staring at me and then saying “You’re pretty.” That same night, he proposed that we start to live together.

  32. Aeva Says:

    No man my age has ever told me I’m beautiful/pretty/sexy. I’m only 13, but it still hurts. Especially when people tell my best friend that all the time. =,(

    • Mary Says:

      Aeva,

      You wrote this a few months ago but I had to reply to your post… I know exactly what you are feeling right now. When I was 13 my best friend was the beautiful, hot, desirable one; I was her best friend. That’s all. I stood in her shadow and smiled at the boys from over her shoulder. I was so jealous and my feelings were so hurt… I have no idea if there’s any way to make you feel better, but I can assure you that it gets easier.
      The truth is there will always be someone you think is prettier, better at volleyball or dance, better singers or actresses, with better skin or shinier hair. Make it a goal to be ok with yourself, with how you look… don’t let fashion magazines and tabloid news dictate how you view beauty b/c it is SO much more than that.
      Keep your head up, so many women have walked in your shoes and know what you’re going through. Take a deep breath…. do that regularly.
      You have a beautiful name by the way 🙂

  33. Billie-Jo Says:

    (Ingore the typos!) I’m not the “beautiful” or “gorgeous” type of looking gal, but I feel I am pretty at times. My ex-husband would compliment me all the time how beautiful I was – I hardly believed him due to my low-self esteem from being told over and over by boys as a child I was uglier then a dog.

    The man I’m with now is completely the opposite from my ex. FYI: his a country boy farmer, hunter, fisherman, quiet, but a hard worker – always doing something outside. He has never complimented me own his own – only when I asked. The first time I asked if he thought I was attractive (after 3 mons. dating)he said of course I was. He said he likes it when I do up my eyes – that was all he said. Since then (over 6 mons. ago) I haven’t another comment about my looks from him until I asked again just a few weeks ago. He said again basically the same thing.

    When I come out of the bathroom (after I’ve put eye make up on) he smiles at me. When I get home from work and gazes upon me he smiles. I know he thinks it, but sometimes we gals need to HEAR it damn it!

    He doesn’t use words, but actions. He holds my hand in the car, holds me close at night even though it might be hotter then the dickens – holds me closer and tighter when he farts and grines from ear to ear at me!, tickles me when he cuddles with me on the couch, we make love just about everyday (and we’ve been togeter for almost a year now!), he glides his fingertips across my back as he walks past me, lets me have first helpings during meal time before he digs in, makes my cup of coffee for me and has it ready by the time I’m ready for it, and a few mons. ago he just started to tell me he loves me when we kiss goodbye – even though 9 times out of 10 I say it first, it mean a lot that he says it back. All these things add up and make up for the non-look compliments.

    9 out of 10 it doesn’t bother me that he doesn’t tell me I’m pretty. It only time it hits me the most is at the end of month (during PMS time – sorry for getting too personal but most of you labies know what I’m talking about!). So, I find a private place (usually the bathroom) and take time out to cry for a good 5-10 mins… got to get it all out or I’ll just pout during the whole duration which would be 3 days! Yes, maybe I’m pathetic to most of you for doing that, but that is my own way to take care of how I’m feeling without taking it out on him (or others) and making him feel like a total jerk for nothing.

    My man does have his faults, not commenting my looks is one of them, but all of the positive and sweet things he does out weights it all. I stop myself many times from making an ass out of myself. I stop myself from nagging him about not doing something when I want it done (which is RIGHT NOW) – and I find he does do it, but at his own time and there’s no difference from when I wanted it done from the time he does do it.

    I do tell him he’s handsome and how I can’t get over his butt! He smiles but has no response… It’s the way he is. It takes some getting use to, but I have to say he makes up for it and I feel pretty damn good that he has choosen me over the other beautiful gals that he could have plucked from crowd.

    I hope this helps all the other gals like me in the same boat. Writing this and sharing with you helps.

    • Girly Says:

      More like hes lucky that you wanted to have a relationship with him!! considering you sound like your a v good looking woman yourself!! im sure you have other potential suitors

  34. Christy Says:

    funny how below average guys think they are attractive and pretty girls are put in the “average” category.

  35. Kiley Says:

    Women and men tell me I’m pretty or beautiful. I know I’m pretty. But I’m not glamorous. The best relationships I’ve had were ones where my lover told me sinccerely I was beautiful. I’m seeing now who has never complimented my looks. Maybe he doesn’t find me especially pretty. I feel like there is a barrier keeping me from falling in love with him. I don’t want to give my heart to someone that can’t express himself or who doesn’t think I’m especially pretty. It’s NICE TO HEAR YOU’RE PRETTY EVEN IF YOU’RE GORGEOUS, AVERAGE OR HAVE A HUGE SCAR ON YOUR FACE.


  36. […] currently read this blog, https://datinggoddess.wordpress.com/2007/03/04/why-men-dont-tell-you-youre-pretty/   and I found it interesting because I am going through a similar situation. So let me ask all my […]

  37. Why doesn’t a boyfriend give compliments to his girl? | My Blog Says:

    […] compliments to his girl? Posted on April 5, 2011 by Life101 I recently read this blog, https://datinggoddess.wordpress.com/2007/03/04/why-men-dont-tell-you-youre-pretty/   and I found it interesting because I am going through a similar situation. So let me ask all my […]

  38. Erica Says:

    I am told constantly by men and women that I am beautiful and yes it is flattering for people to notice because it can uplift you and put a smile on your face. But what matter even more is if the man you love notices and tells you that you are beautiful, sexy and desirable. Personally if I dress up for my husband and I make the effort I expect him to notice, I am after all doing it for him as well as myself, and if he doesn’t it’s possible to feel underappreciated. In the early stages of a relationship when things are fresh and new men are on their best behaviour and flattery and desire are in no short supply. But what happens years down the line when the initial realization of how beautiful your date is becomes a face you see every day, and then as you get married a face that is lying beside you every night…is it possible to overlook someone’s beauty and take it for granted because it is always there?
    I have a friend who recently broke up with her boyfriend. But one of the things she hated about him was that he never complimented her or acted like he cared when other men complimented her on her looks. She found herself feeling bad about herself and yearning for the attention of other men while she was with her boyfriend because to her it showed him that even if he didn’t notice her other men did and she could always find someone who was more appreciative. Unfortunately for him he lost her because he wasn’t that romantic expressive man she wanted.
    As for me I am 14 years younger than my husband and I dare say much more attractive, I don’t mean to say that my husband is ugly, but he is what people would consider average and I have gotten the question “why are you with him, you can do so much better” which to be hones is very rude if you don’t know the person! He does tell me that I am beautiful or that I look good but not as regularly as he use to. Men and women come up to him and tell him he has a beautiful wife and he says “thanks I know” yet he doesn’t always make me feel at the top of my game and it is important for a man to have the ability to make a woman feel like a woman. I am a psychotherapist so I openly speak to my husband about the types of affection I desire from him, I think we should all be open about what we want in a relationship because it is better than being miserable about not getting it. Some men do find it difficult to express how they feel about you, but with a little coaxing you can let them know that it is okay to express themselves, that you will feel better about yourself and thus about your relationship with him. You don’t need a man to validate your good looks, but compliments never hurt especially coming from the one you love. Sometimes all men need is a little and an understanding of what women need.

  39. Shalz Says:

    Honestly the best compliment to me is when you can catcha man looking at you. Especially if you’ve been together for a long time. Or when he makes a comment that isn’t generic like “youre beautiful, your pretty, you look good” I want to know why I am. I want him to say things like “wow… our daughter reminded me so much of you today when….” or when he can be Honest about my flaws in a Nice way like… “you have a little fat on your stomach and some stretch marks, but they are so unique and drive me crazy” Hello I know my flaws I’m not trying to pretend I don’t have them. I just want to be loved For them. But good luck finding a man that is honest or loving.


  40. […] When he doesn’t compliment you: “Why men don’t tell you you’re pretty“ […]


  41. […] manipulate. Interestingly, “No compliments, ever” does reinforce my findings in “Why men don’t tell you you’re pretty.” So since midlife men are employing some of these, clearly these rules have been around for […]


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