Requiem of a relationship

memorial wreathToday would have been my twenty-second wedding anniversary. I think it is important to reminisce about long-term relationships gone awry as one would at a memorial of a difficult person. Not dwell on the downs, but the ups. Paint a picture of what was added to your life as a result, not what was stripped. Focus on the lessons you learned about yourself, even if those came as the result of humiliation, pain, and bitterness.

So I ponder the gifts, the lessons, the treasures I will carry with me to my next relationship and my life. You don’t have to wait for an anniversary to do this exercise. You could do it now. Especially if you find yourself holding onto some bitterness, best to do it now so you can release that cloud which encompasses you.

Friends, we are gathered here today to celebrate a departed relationship. As in all relationships there were ups and downs, struggles and triumphs, exhilaration and disappointment. We are here to focus on the positives, the wisdom garnered.

I am grateful that my marriage taught me how to:

  • Negotiate win/win solutions.
  • Not worry about inconsequential disagreements.
  • Get clear on what was important to discuss and what wasn’t.
  • Give positive reinforcement.
  • Live with not always getting my way.
  • Go out of my way to give my mate what would please him.
  • Not use my knowledge of his buttons to manipulate him.
  • Have patience with him when he didn’t do well what came easily for me.
  • Be “in wonder” when he did something that seemed inconceivable to me.
  • Love deeply.
  • Laugh at myself.
  • Appreciate things that were important to him.
  • Be trusting and vulnerable.
  • Forgive him when he did things that I found insensitive or objectionable.
  • Deal with disappointments.
  • Be monogamous.
  • Keep the passion alive.

So while this marriage has passed, it left behind valued skills which will live on in the next relationship.

Technorati Tags:,,,,,,,, , , , ,

Got a topic on dating after 40 you want Dating Goddess to address? Send your issue to

Explore posts in the same categories: Dating after 40

5 Comments on “Requiem of a relationship”

  1. tk Says:

    Wow, it’s incredible that you are able to do this. The only thing I learned from my marriage was to be careful whom I trust. I am thankful, however. I’m thankful that I had the courage to get out of it when I did. Life is good!

  2. hunter Says:

    ……I am never married, but, I do enjoy the divorcees, much more than the never married women….

  3. PreviouslyQueenofE Says:

    Anniversaries are important, because they not only mark the beginning or end of relationship, but also what we LEARNED from that relationship. I too mark my anniversaries with a little reflection. Every April brings my wedding anniversary (we would have celebrated our 20th this year) and every January marks my un-wedding anniversary (divorced six years this coming January). One of my boyfriends, the serious one right after the divorce, was very upset because we had no anniversary. I could never settle on “the day” we started being together – it was a very nebulous, what was our first date? first sleepover? first time he (not me) said I love you? I could never commit to an anniversary, much less the relationship (there is an obvious connection there). Since then, I’ve been in relationships where it was easier to mark a start date, and easier still to mark an end date, but I’ve learned to keep my anniversaries more inward and personal. We learn something from EVERY relationship, and DG, your list is wonderful. My list includes listening to my gut (every time, not just some of the time) and being cautious and tolerant.

  4. hunter Says:

    Allright, Q of E,,,,, you no longer bare your soul……about the anniversaries,…lets give ourselves a break, we were young, and uninformed,,,,,back when, there was not as much info on relationships,,,,, like there is now…

  5. Jacky Says:

    oh ~~~ tk, you are brave enough. I guess all people in reality should learn from you. Why not get out of it? requiem?

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in: Logo

You are commenting using your account. Log Out /  Change )

Google photo

You are commenting using your Google account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s

%d bloggers like this: