Are you too picky?
A friend chided me, “You’ve gone out with 75 men in 2 years. Why aren’t you married? Are you too picky?”
When midlife women share that they haven’t found their “one” and they’re getting tired of looking, they begin to wonder if they are being too picky. The dilemma is, should you continue to be picky, perhaps taking a long time to meet someone who meets your important criteria, or should you accept someone who meets most, but not all, of your “must haves”?
A friend who’s been married 25 years shared that while she loves her husband very much, there are things she would prefer were different about him. She says, “Did I settle? In some ways, yes. However, he has many qualities I adore. But he’s also missing some things that would make us more compatible.”
I wonder how much of this is our needs changing over time. What she wanted/needed 25 years ago is different now that they are empty-nesters and looking to entertain themselves pre-retirement. While we’re not in a relationship, we can determine what we want now, but we also need to project what we think we want for the next 10, 20, 30 or more years.
Many dating advisers recommend you come up with no more than 5 “must have” characteristics about your ideal guy. Other preferences beyond that are negotiable. I’ve heard about women having 20-100 “must have” deal breakers. I think that’s over the top. However, many midlife women feel, “I have a full, rich, great life. I don’t need a man. So for me to give up time with my friends, work, or hobbies, he needs to be spectacular. And here’s my list of what spectacular is.”
Have you listed your essential criteria? Most daters have. “Someone nice” is a common response. “Someone loving.” I think you need to be more specific than that.
But I think equally important to what you want is what would make you feel you settled? And if a guy has much of what’s on your “must have” list but not all, are you willing to give him a chance to see if you can live with that and love him without feeling that you settled? And if he knows he doesn’t measure up in one area and is willing to work on it, will you give him some time to do so?
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Adventures in Delicious Dating After 40 
April 22, 2007 at 1:20 am
Hi DG,
This one really made me think. I don’t think I’m at all picky, but there are those who might disagree with me. Anyhow, tolerance and sensitivity are at the top of my must have list as I have chronic health problems and in order for me to feel strongly about a guy he would have to be sensitive enough to support me when my health is at its worst. Of course I would offer the same support in return.
IMHO perhaps it’s best I’m single at this time in my life as I feel that those who have chronic health problems who thrust them upon others are selfish beyond belief.
Best wishes from bookyone 🙂
April 22, 2007 at 10:26 am
I still remember a magazine article 25 years ago that said “pick 3, and not the usual ‘attractive, witty,etc.” So I made up these: 1) Must have lived alone and liked it, 2) Must be good at what he does, and 3) Must be a good father. These 3 traits would cover a lot of attributes.
And Booky, it’s ‘in sickness and in health’; as long as there is disclosure and agreement, why deny the possibility?
April 22, 2007 at 5:08 pm
Hi Ally,
I agree, it is ‘in sickness and health’ once you have been happily married or in a loving LTR for years and then contract an illness, but going into a new relationship with the illness in full bloom is just extra baggage for someone else to deal with. I had to quit my job due to chronic illness, so it’s hard enough for me to deal with this, let alone even think of burdening someone else with my problems.
Best wishes from bookyone 🙂
April 29, 2007 at 12:24 am
Am I too picky? This cracks me up. I have dated about 75 men in 7 years and I have not been in very much control of who I get to choose — the ones who wanted me to stay with them (all 3) had so many serious lifestyle and relating problems that I would have been considered insane to have chosen them. The ones I very much, badly, wanted to wind up with are still single. They like being single.
June 9, 2007 at 7:32 am
I’d love to know how you’ve had 75 dates in two years. Most of the single woman I know over the age of 40, including myself, haven’t had even one date in the past six months.
July 27, 2008 at 3:59 pm
Hi.
This is a topic I’ve considered now having been on my own for five years. I’ve dated online mostly and have found that the percentage of midlife players and fellows who just want “fun!” for the rest of their lives is very high.
I’m 48 with an 11 year old to raise, which automatically puts me in a different position from those whose kids are grown, in terms of my availability and focus. I also deal with an X with personality disorder issues and there’s no chance I can camouflage this as I still deal with ongoing legal attacks.
Mostly what I read online is that people feel they settled too much with an earlier partner and it’s recommended that those who have the *option* to marry or not really wait until finding a partner with whom there’s 80-90% compatibility. My X and had values and views which were opposite on the important topics, which became untenable — couple that with his midlife/secrets and dealing ongoing, and now I see the absolute requirement of agreement on morals, values, empathy, compassion, selfish/lessness, competitiveness etc.
I’ve met several guys who were almost The One but, as is said here already, each of them had serious behavioral issues — alcohol, anger — which are red flag breakers for me. BTDT. Of course, they went on to find someone else who wants to handle those things.
My “have to have” list includes: A grown-up who knows how old he is and generally is happy acting near that real age, no drugs, heterosexual, no behavioral addictions, raised in same part of the country, similar education level, travel, similar value of parenting, similar attitude that good and bad times happen and are reality, a man more compatible with my height, someone who’s cultural more than athletic (as I too have physical limitations). If this is too picky then cool. I’ll wait. I now live in the “wrong” part of the country for a good match for me anyway, so the pond I currently fish in is really small, so I cast my line further.
I don’t get thousands of hits on my profile, don’t get scores of e-mails. Do get some winks, some form e-mails (ugh!), and during one week a couple of years ago I had nine dates in seven days *just to see*. It was a joke and went nowhere.
The rest of my life is quality over quantity, and this is too. In the meantime I’m happy being able to be more truly/fully me now than at any previous time. Alone, sometimes lonely, resided, but certain that waiting is right for me.
IMO our society has changed so hugely in terms of people valuing each other and acting outside the Self, that the notion of marriage in my age group seems silly to many; I disagree and believe that such an attitude has contributed to the situation and challenges our country faces today.
Lisa
August 7, 2015 at 11:52 am
[…] began to think of this in terms of dating. In “Are you ready to pick a guy?” and “Are you too picky?” we discussed how some daters seem not to be able to find someone for a LTR who is to their […]