How do you know he’s interested in you?
According to my blog reports, this is a phrase many people search when finding this blog.
I only wish I had the answer.
It is much easier to identify how he shows he’s not interested, as I detailed in “Signs that he won’t be asking for a second date.”
But knowing he is interested? That’s a whole different story. And one I don’t feel particularly adept at deciphering.
For example, last week I had a first date with a guy. We’d had a few email exchanges and a nice phone conversation. He seemed engaged during dinner, asking me questions, keeping eye contact and sharing his stories and feelings. We occasionally touched the other’s hands when we talked. We strolled around the shopping area after dinner, but didn’t hold hands.
At my car he hugged me goodbye and planted a kiss on my lips. There was no talk of a second date, we just said we enjoyed ourselves and went our separate ways. I was ambiguous about seeing him again, but decided to try some recently read advice and try a second date, if he wanted. I wrote him a nice thank you email and suggested we might do another outing.
He wrote back a nice email telling me he enjoyed meeting me but there was no spark for him and asked if we could be pals.
So while there were no flashing green lights that he was interested in me, there were no red lights saying he wanted out of there during dinner. And why would you kiss someone on the lips if you had no interest in them? Was it a test to see if I’d play tonsil hockey with him? It was just a quick smack.
Before I’ve experienced conflicting signals like this, I’d say “Duh. He emails you regularly. He calls you every few days. He says nice things about you. He asks you to do things with him. He talks about doing future things with you. He touches you respectfully. Maybe he kisses you and/or brings you flowers or small gifts.”
But we know that someone could do all of these things and not want a relationship with you, just a booty call. So how is a gal to know how to interpret these things?
I wish I knew.
Any hints you’ve picked up during a first date that are reliable signs a guy is interested?
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Adventures in Delicious Dating After 40 
August 25, 2007 at 3:53 am
How would she know Im interested in her? I have a really subtle technique. I turn to her and say, “Hey, Im really interested in you.”
If she doesnt get the subtle nuances of that covert message, Id drop her like a hot potato, but generally that works.
August 25, 2007 at 8:51 am
When a man is interested, it’s obvious: he’s keen. He texts, he emails, he phones. He makes enthusiastic arrangements to be with you again, he’s interested in what you have to say when you’re together, he’s perky as a puppy. The reverse also applies, let’s not make excuses. If he doesn’t make arrangements to see you again enthusiastically, doesn’t eagerly call, doesn’t regularly text, doesn’t ring it’s not because he’s had a stroke, is shy, thinks you’re too good for him, has fallen off a cliff, is busy tending his sick mother. It’s because he’s not interested. Sigh. Don’t agonise. Next!
August 25, 2007 at 12:56 pm
I totally agree with Lulu and I don’t even know Lulu! Although I think that a man can be interested one day — and not interested the next. Clearly THIS is the issue. How to know when it’s going to stick for him and for you. When I figure this out, I will become a 40-something single mom gazillionaire!!
August 25, 2007 at 3:34 pm
I think DG has a very VERY important point that most women seem to be unwilling to look at:
Interested in you for most guys is the same as interested in a booty call ‘with activities’.
Many men will go to whatever lengths needed for a booty call or even the POSSIBILITY of a booty call, be it driving you long distances for a family event, taking you to expensive and romantic restaurants for long meals, writng and/or calling you with great enthusiasm, showing a high level of interest in you and what you are saying, etc, etc, ETC!
No, I DON’T think women can tell when MOST men are interested in more than that, because the bulk of men will even keep up the above program for a few months if they believe you will become a regular booty call for them.
And as a result, the guys that are REALLY interested in a long term relationship/future with a particular woman, feels he could fall in love, doesn’t want to see others anymore, and all the things women associate with ‘interested’ will continue to be lost in the white noise unless women are willing to hold back on the physical intimacy on nearly all levels for a number of months.
No, this is seriously NOT fair or equal, and for women with a reasonable sex drive and a strong attraction to a man they are dating this would be very tough-
but the option is to be strung along and ending up bewildered and hurt if YOU are looking for more than ‘friends with benefits’. 😦
August 26, 2007 at 4:29 am
Wow! Aren’t we women wonderful? Thank you, Kvetch and sdl. I’m so glad I found this site, from my little corner of beautiful Wales, when I was lost and vulnerable and wondering if i could go on dating…reading these comments, wise, funny, honest, bewildered, makes me wonder what on earth we are doing chasing something – romance, desire, love, men in general – which maybe we don’t even need. I’ve just read Intimacy and Solitude by Stephanie Dowrick, and it puts so many things in perspective. I really recommend it. Meanwhile, I’m going to relax and just enjoy this site, forget about dating for a while, and celebrate my singleness with my single friends.
August 27, 2007 at 11:31 am
Women can be ambiguous about their interest also, which is highly annoying. When I go on a first date with a woman, if she’s not interested (especially if just not physically attracted to me), I want her to yawn, look at her watch every 5 minutes, and then claim another engagement after a half an hour. If not interested, laughing, smiling and touching is just plain rude!
August 27, 2007 at 11:42 am
Hi Walt:
I’m sure both genders have difficulty expressing their feelings during the first date, although I’ve had some men be *very* clear they weren’t interested!
You raise an interesting point, though. I think it’s rude to act as you prescribe, no matter who I’m with. While I won’t yawn and look at my watch, I will feign another commitment if I want outta there. I’ve had this feeling over lunch, which makes it difficult to cut the assignation short. I try to be polite by listening, nodding and when moved to, laughing. But I’ve always wondered the polite way to not encourage another date when I’m clear I’m not interested, without resorting to what I consider rude or insensitive behaviors.
To your point, however, I can see that my being polite (laughing, smiling, engaging in conversation) is your rude. Go figure! Another example of how many men want women to be straightforward, and women want to be more sensitive. (Not that you aren’t sensitive.)
Also, I’ve found, as you might have too, that one does not know they aren’t interested until well into the conversation when you’ve received a number of clues that your values don’t match. At first you can be in “possibility” mode, but when you hear story after story of bitterness or anger, or watch the other be rude to the waitress one too many times, *then* you know you’re not a match. But we’re typically on our “first impression good behavior” when in the early parts of the encounter.
August 28, 2007 at 8:21 am
DG – My experience with internet dating is that both parties make a snap decision upon meeting as to whether they migth have an interest, based on the others looks. Recently a woman I was on a date with said that that is exactly the way it is for her. Fortunately, I “passed” in that case (and she certainly “passed” for me). However, I have also seen a certain look upon meeting, sort of a plastic smile, maybe even a startled look for 1/2 a second, that tells me that she knows she’s not interested. In that case, I think the best thing for both parties is to get it over with as soon as possible. In another interesting experience, a woman told me that if I know I’m not interested as soon as we meet, I should just shake her hand and walk away. It turned out, as I expected, that she said this because she was self-conscious about recent weight gain. But she insisted that she would prefer the quick exit and whatever ego blow that entailed to an agonizing 45 minute date.
Of course, as you say I sometimes have no interest for reasons having nothing to do with appearance. I haven’t experienced anger or rudeness to the waitress, but no sense of humor (or at least not one that matches mine) is often the deal-killer. I generally don’t do the things I suggest women do (eg, yawning), but try to make an exit after 30-45 minutes. Interestingly, that’s exactly the way I felt about the woman I’ve been seeing for 4 months now. However, I did call her for a second date, because I thought “what the heck, at least she’s cute.” Her true personality didn’t come out until the second and third date.
August 28, 2007 at 8:49 am
Hi Walt:
Now I’m confused. You went out with your GF a second time because she was cute, but kinda boring the first time? I think this reinforces my point to give people a little time, even if they aren’t stellar at first. Either you will become more or less fond of them. In “Yummy is as yummy does” I talk about how very few of my 77 guys have been yummy to look at — at first. But I got more attracted to some of them, and they got cuter, as their positive personality emerged. If I shook their hand upon meeting when I saw I wasn’t physically entranced with them, I would only report on 77 very short dates! (Actually a few were cute, but those guys didn’t stick around.)
I think if one is ambivalent or not turned off completely by the end of the first meeting, then try, as you have, a second date. If you’re not drawn to them at that point, then the dreaded “let’s be friends” conversation is appropriate.
July 20, 2008 at 5:31 am
i’m with sdl~ just hold off on the physical. it really gets the guy working out what he wants-as the woman is already stating what she wants- more than just sex (unless of course that is all you want-to each their own).
and at this point in my life, i don’t find it unfair, cause i’m letting the guy know that i think of him more than a booty call- and yeah, there are guys out there who want to be more than this.
i loooove courting! months it can go on for…and it is so about getting to know the person, and caring about the person, regardless of the outcomes.
it’s not that i don’t want sex- i do; i just want quality sex, and methinks that will more likely happen if my lover is my friend first. friendship means that what we have is more than “just sex”, it takes time, and challenges and you get to be intimate on a whole lotta levels that i only used to just dream about.
i don’t need forever, i just need adventurous, intimate, passionate, push-my-envelope-of-comfort-zone, you-are-great-to-be-with journeys. is that so much to ask?
November 17, 2008 at 4:35 pm
I hate to say this but when a man is truly interested in us “we know!” He leaves no doubt in our minds that he wants us. It is true that some guys will date a girl and be “so-so” with her and not even intend to be that way, I beleive sometimes a man doesn’t even realize that he isn’t that into us… but I think its something that the woman feels when he doesn’t exhibit the actions of a man who is. When you have a connection, it’s genuine and real. It’s almost like meeting a friend that now you are best friends with you can reflect back and see from the start the two of you had really enjoyed being with eachother and alot in common. Of course things change with everyone. Even as a woman, you may date a guy and go out with him a few times but be not sure of what you feel, but it’s just the beginning and you are giving it a chance. Guys are the same way too. You can usually tell if someone is into you by the mutual connection you share… and if it grows, it grows. A guy who is really interested will respect you, notice you and be attracted to you… will want to be by your side and most likely want to commit to you sooner than later. He will tell you he is in love with you and you will really feel he adores you.
June 7, 2009 at 8:14 am
The real problem is: you meet, he is into you, you are into him, and it becomes difficult to hold in abeyance the physical intimacy part. I kissed him innocently on the first date, and by the time we got to our second date several days later, the sexual tension was inescable! By the third date, he was clamoring to get to my house to make love. As I felt the same, we ended up there at the conclusion of our evening. More regrettably: after the inital sizzle, there was massive fizzle, taking about four months to transition from one end of the continuum to the other. Worries about the ex-, the girls, the marital home, the job…you name it, it came between us. Instead of sharing and talking, which could have had the effect of bringing us together, he drifted away from me and no lifeline I could toss would bring him back. It has been almost four painful months since I have seen him and, although he sends me e-mail jokes, this causes even more pain than if I never heard from him. I am left to speculate: did he get overwhelmed by his personal problems, take solace and comfort with someone else, get further depressed and stressed, move out-of-state to be closer to his kids? I guess I will never know. I’m still sad…
August 7, 2009 at 2:11 pm
There is a certain man that complements me on my make up tops, eager to drum for me while i dance tried several times to interest me in certain dance styles. He gave me a short 5 minute lesson and held my hand, being very attracted to him I squeezed his hand hard.
Shortly after that I walked into the shop where he works, he almost tripped trying to navagate to the front of the area, he suddenly loabred operateing the cash register. He always gives me undevided attentition. I dig him BBIIGG time. I won’t flirt with him because I don’t know if he’s married. I just take it 1 meeting at a time. He is a bit older than I and make a few comments about me being very young and him getting older. Frankly, I perfer older men. What should I think bout this situation – I would like to attract him and eventually go out with him–fall in love and ……Help
September 2, 2009 at 11:14 am
well my situation is quite confusing and new to me,I went on date with a guy I met on the internet i was physical attracted to him and ended up having sex on a first date, I think he must have thought that I do that with every man and now he only calls when he wants to have sex.. but I want more than that, but i’m scared if I tell him I wont see him again.. as i’m writing this I’m realising how foolish i’m being..if the guy can’t give me what i want,then i should move on
September 10, 2009 at 4:35 pm
ok I’m in unfamiliar territories. I ran into an old friend from school a couple of weeks ago and since then he has been texting me all day and night; some texts about nothing some about serious topics. We finally went on a date last week and it was amazing, everything I have ever wanted a first date to be, that night he very sweetly kissed me and that was it. A couple of dates later we had sex, it just seemed to good to be true how much fun we were having both in and out of the bedroom. Last night I slept over his house and since I left this morning no call, no texts, no messages. Is this his way of saying he’s not interested? I don’t want to be a crazy girl and over think this…
October 15, 2009 at 8:54 am
i have recently had a date that too be honest got a bit steamy i did not go all the way lets say but things did progress very quickly . I am now beating myself up about this he has text me a couple of times since well it only happened tue and he stayed till late wed afternoon (naughty me ) he has texted a couple of times since but i feel physically sick is he interested is it all about sex am i awful if i let it progress i donmt know help i am feeling still hungover, confused and too be honest thinking is dating worth all the agro that comes with it I suppose i just m=need to know is he interested but you cant ask these questions without looking like a bunny boiler .
November 6, 2009 at 8:57 pm
I dated a guy (41yrs old) for 2 months. We first met 14 years ago for a short meet..when we had a 30 second
kiss. I was dating someone else, and that was that. So we found each other online earlier this year. We began dating and instantly had a great connection. My online post stated that i was 47 years old. (i look much younger). OUr 2 month courtship was excellent;i met and really enjoyed meeting his family and friends and “the guy i was dating” was falling in love with me..and I with him. I told him the day after my birthday my real age…53 as of the day before. He was kind of shocked at the age difference but was not mad at all at me for not discussing earlier. He said he knew that age was something i did not want to discuss, so it had not been important to ask about. Well, we broke up. He said “he wanted to be open to having children and getting married someday…and that even though I wanted that too, women over 40 yrs old would have a difficult time.”
I have been very hurt, sad and upset. He has called to say he missed me..but i do not sense it means much more than that. I do not know if I should just not answer his calls hoping that he will miss me enough to want to get back together, or if I should just try to get over this and then contact him as a friend. I feel in love with him and that we made the best connection ever. He earlier told me that the 2 months we were together dating were perhaps the happiest of his life. Btw, we did not have sex…as this is my policy. (not before engagement will I hae sex at this point in my life). What is best to do??? Help!!!
November 6, 2009 at 9:20 pm
Alexis:
He got scared off for some reason. Maybe he felt lied to. But the point is he ran. And I don’t think it would be worth your while to find out why or try to win him back, even as a friend. It doesn’t seem he’s being honest with you, and do you really want someone like that as friend? I know it hurts because you felt it was a mutual smittenness, but someone spooked him.
Come join us at my new site, http://www.DatingGoddess.com .
August 9, 2010 at 4:09 am
ok… now mine is really weird i would say… i had an affair for 1 1/2 years and we broke up due to certain differences.. i was not at all interested in getting into another relationship, but my parents brought in few proposals which i rejected, but surprisingly said ‘ok’ to the one which came in recently. Then after our 1st family meet-up (which is the usual south asian culture),we went out for coffee (not a date)just to check whether we’re compatible to get into marriage.. We have been clear that we would give our consent to our parents after knowing each other. For some reason i started getting attracted to him (he himself admits that many girls feel comfortable around him, and considers that as a gift) and started liking him. bdw i’ve never thought of proposals as a thing which works only after getting ‘sparks’ for the other person. but thats how he thinks of it. he says he should find that ‘spark’ which he didn’t find in me. And i never wanted to give him more than a week to get to know me, mainly coz i feared that i might fall in love (or strongly attracted) with him. He’s a guy who’s too busy, therefore we couldn’t converse much other than few texts and 3 or 4 long phone calls after our coffee. Then when i spoke to him after one week i told him that this isn’t going anywhere since there’s very little communication between us. He wanted another week so that he would put in some effort to bring up that ‘spark’ he’s looking for. but i consider ‘spark’ as myth, therefore called it off. but trust me both of us had complimenting personalities, and thinking of it i could say, only if he could have committed a bit of his time (which he ddn’t wanna do coz of the ‘spark’ factor)we could have looked into a long lasting relationship. he still prefers to be my friend to which i refused. What do you think went wrong here? also i don’t think this is love..